DowntownMizBrown

Maybe I'm a hater, but...

2011-11-21T20:40:00.001-05:00

...Dana cracks me up. I'm no Twihard.
You try Reasoning with Vampires and you'll see what I mean.

The Shepherd's Pie recipe to end 'em all...

2011-09-14T17:10:00.007-04:00

It's been on my mind for awhile now to come up with my own Ultimate Shepherd's Pie recipe. I mean, talk about humble, hearty comfort food! Once you get that sucker baked, it freezes brilliantly, and it's actually one of those dishes that not only lasts but improves for at least of couple of days in the fridge for leftovers! Because it tastes SO MUCH BETTER the next day! (If I could leave it alone and stop scooping spoonfuls out of the dish until it's all done. Usually about four hours after I've finished making it.)

I remember a dear friend of mine comparing comfort food to sex: "When it's good, it's good; when it's bad...it's still pretty good!" And dudes, I live in Quebec, so you know the people here love themselves some Pate Chinois, and everyone has their own family recipe. From meat to vegetarian to vegan, it's always a really good call on a cold winter night.

*sigh* and since Summer is almost over... I'm ready to find my ultimate recipe.

If you've been hanging out with me lately, you know I'm a sucker for the Food Network and for cooking. There's no escaping my heritage, I'm the daughter of foodies. I love cooking. And eating. (Especially that part.)

It is really satisfying to come up with a tasty recipe. Sometimes it happens by accident (when you're broke as hell and you miraculously figure out the alchemical interactions of every single condiment and dry good in your pantry), sometimes through planning and research (I have a friend who looks up every single recipe for the same dish that she can find on the internet and makes her choices based on what she likes the most).

I generally figure things out through trial and error. If I've cooked for you, you've invariably heard me lamenting under my breath *whydidntIaddmustardpowderanditwouldhave beenbetterwithcreamorwhatwouldhappenifIcaramelizedthe...* Which is the point at which you've probably given me "the look" and then I desist. But still.

Regret is no way to live your life, and of course I'm always really happy to please my family and friends with my cooking. (Well, when it works out.) The difficulty is that I'm always the toughest one to please. I wish that my skills would allow me to come up with dishes that satisfy my palate and creativity first. I can't explain it in any other way except that I want to be able to share what's in my imagination, and to execute it well. I suppose it's because on some level, cooking really is a level of personal and creative expression. I'm telling you, sooner or later I will hit a culinary school. I don't know when exactly, but I'll figure it out.

Blah blah blah, I've done it again. The point! Here it comes!

So, I've had to work from home for the better part of a week (new day job doing web annotation, we can talk about it later) because of my sciatica rearing its ugly head again. And a friend of mine who is a massage therapist has very kindly offered to help me out! Since we are both terribly broke, we decided to barter. Normally, I'd trade personal training sessions for massage (training tends to be my bartering chip of choice) and I had in fact come to a similar arrangement with another massage therapist and reflexologist friend, except well, my back is mashed up. So I have to fall back on my other talents. (Ew, don't even go there, I introduced him to his girlfriend of six years, and did I mention that my back is jacked up? Also, I'm no stealer. Chicks before dicks, as it were.)

So I am going to make my ultimate Shepherd's Pie. The Shepherd's pie I have been longing to eat. I remember Djanet Sears said once that she had to become the change she wanted to see in the world. But I think Ghandi said it first. So what I take from that is, know what you want, and don't wait around for someone else to make it happen for you.

Anyway. What are the elements of my ultimate Shepherd's pie?

1) Flavour. Now, I'm a busy lady, and the beauty of shepherd's pie is that you can bang together a serviceable batch of it in a reasonable amount of time. But that generally implies some short cuts. Frozen veggies, sometimes flavoured sour cream in the mashed potatoes, canned gravy or bouillon cubes in the meat, that kind of thing. Not this time. I'm making everything fresh, from scratch. Simple ingredients, prepared well, with a depth of flavour. I mean the basic components are meat, vegetables, and potatoes, yeah?

2) Texture. I've come across the gamut of things I don't like in Shepherd's Pie. First of all, it can't be heavy. Potatoes don't have to be cooked so hard. I like the mashed potatoes to be light, with a bit of texture to them, not too smooth or runny or gluey. On the other hand, one can't be too stingy with the fat: I want them to be airy, not floury. And doggone it, no more dried out meat. Just...ew. If the serving falls apart when you scoop it out of the dish, it's no fun. Somehow you gotta find the way to have moist and juicy meat, tender vegetables, and light and fluffy potatoes, perfectly browned on top. That's good eating.

3) Proportion of meat to veggies. Don't be stingy. The magic of the dish is how you balance those three layers, taste-wise.

4) Careful preparation. The number one thing that always jacks me up is rushing. I never can quite figure out the timing of cooking all of the separate elements. When do I start roasting the garlic? When do I start the potatoes boiling? Stuff like that. I want to think of that kind of thing in advance instead of on the fly.

What are your favourite elements of shepherd's pie? Are you a strictly lamb kind of person, or will you go ghetto (cottage?) and do the beef thing? Have you come across a veggie ground round that would make a believer out of George Foreman?

If you're good, I just may take a photo of my next Shepherd's pie attempt. Any MAYBE even share the recipe. I might. ;-)

Wouldn't it be so awesome?

2011-09-14T16:54:00.003-04:00

Ok seriously. Me and this lady have got to become friends. The second she comes to Montreal, I'ma buy her a drink. And possibly throw her a party. If you haven't checked out her blog, you gotta. Smart, funny, and for reals. Where the hell have you been all my life, Dianne Sylvan? Huh? Are you coming to hang out with me and my friends or what?
(Please say yes!)

Because sometimes love is complicated

2011-09-08T11:02:00.002-04:00

Check it, Darlings: I just can't get enough of this song lately.

Le style hip hop?

2011-09-05T13:35:00.010-04:00

A few days ago, a friend of mine encountered the all-too common practice of racial profiling here when he went to a local bar in Montreal after the screening of his film at the WFF and he and his friends (of whom six of seven out of 30 were black) were refused entry into the bar. There's been some coverage about it in the local English media here, but to get some of the eyewitness accounts and discussion about it, check out the social media links of first person accounts about it. It's pretty interesting to see the response to this incident, but not surprising. Anyway. The only reason I bring up this incident is that my friends were refused entrance into the establishment based on "le style gangster," and "gangster" that they were allegedly wearing.

Their 'semantics' aside, there is much to think about and to consider: in that case, was too much "style hip hop" just a euphemism for "too many black people?" Suffice to say, it's a debate that pushes a lot of buttons, because we live in a post-colonialist society and we all have our varying degrees of responsibility and collusion within it, based on our respective pockets of privilege within it. And nobody wants to give up their privilege. The problem of racism and the collective historical amnesia we seem to have with regard to Canada's history with it continues apace. It remains to be seen whether or not and to what extent we're able as a society to relinquish some of our privilege and to see if we can go beyond being shocked and dismayed about it to actually act.

I began to think about what hip-hop has become in terms of a product for mass consumption (which is not necessarily the same thing as the philosophy of it). Something that began as a creative and expression of political and social commentary/protest has become something entirely different.

What I am coming to realize in terms of storytelling (which thus far is proving itself out in terms of my own process and work in performance whether it's acting, singing, or dancing) as well is that the more specific one gets about characters, cultures, situations, and so on, the more one reveals the incredible paradox of the universal yet entirely personal human experience. That's in part how myths and fables are created.(Ugh. I know, I'm taking the long way around. Never fear, the point is imminent.)

Well, I submit this documentary to you for your consideration (part 1 of 6...check 'em all out if you're interested):

Hip Hop: Beyond Beats and Rhymes

You see, I think that hip hop addresses issues that reach farther than those that beleaguer the black community specifically. I think in larger terms about socio-economic privilege and the widening gap between those who have it and those who don't.

And I wonder what are the myths that are being amplified or distorted for the purposes of marketing and selling hip hop music? I wonder about who are the largest consumers of commercial hip hop? And what is the message these consumers are being told? When those images prey on our insecurities and sense of powerlessness, what are we to conclude? Is it that we are in fact, all for sale? I don't know for sure. But I sure do wonder.

I've reading some really interesting books and watching a couple of documentaries lately. Zeitgeist, Freakonomics, The Corporation, The Colonizer and the Colonized, Women Who Run With the Wolves, The Chalice and the Blade. I've started reading about current events and I'm starting to notice things that are helping me to make connections about how I see the larger picture about what's going on in the world. And what I think about it. And what I'm going to do about it.

I think I may have a story that I want to tell.

P.S. This might be really interesting to consider as well. An oldie but a goodie: Rhyme & Reason

It's time to talk again.

2011-08-27T18:34:00.005-04:00

It's an interesting thing...

I've been very quiet on this blog for a really long time. And yet I wouldn't necessarily say that it has been because I've been silent in my life. Social media is an interesting thing: it creates connection, but not closeness. Anyhow.

Things are shifting again. It's this phenomenon that Paulo Freire calls conscientization. More and more my worldview has been emerging, my own sense of values, my inner compass. And the more I look at the world, the more I see the same things emerging. And it's difficult to shake the sense of powerlessness that sometimes comes with being just one. The world's momentum is a forceful current, and I find that it's very easy to get caught up in it; to lose one's voice.

And so this is why I'm beginning to write again. I can't wait for the change I want to see around me anymore; I have to be the change. As an artist, I have always been a storyteller, I've always found stories to be the most accessible vehicles for learning and understanding. And I want to learn, I want to understand, I want to communicate.

Blah blah. But still.

I've told so many stories in my life, others' stories. It's my metier. It can be scary to slip into another person's skin, to adopt another's voice, but at the same time it can also be so exhilarating. Empathy is very risky and very rewarding. But what happens when the stories that you see and tell and hear are not your own? How long does it take until you lose your own voice?

I have no idea. I'm also not trying to find out.

In any case, I've begun to write again. There are so many projects that I want to explore, so many things I want to try. But I've been quiet for awhile. So my voice is rusty. But silence is not an option anymore. Not right now anyway.

You're welcome to listen if you like. But I'm not going to shut it down. Not anymore.

Everything is changing, everything in transition...

2011-06-28T14:02:00.002-04:00

Dudes, I think I'ma start writing again. One of the ways in which I've changed over the past two years (essentially while I haven't been blogging) that I'm happy about is having a circle of friends with whom I can process, examine, and work out the issues and things that are on my mind. Something I'd like to get back to is that solitary reflection, the idea that you can listen to your own soul in order to see clearly. It's an interesting thought anyway.

The only time Westmount didn't make me INSTANTLY cranky.

2010-10-20T12:16:00.001-04:00

Let me tell you, darlings. Sweeping generalizations are uncool, I know that. Nevertheless, walking through Westmount generally irritates the hell outta me. And it's something I end up doing two or three times a week. The "Invisible Man" syndrome seems to kick in without warning: all of a sudden, it's like I'm not even there. It's the only explanation I can come up with that accounts for the fact that the residents frequently try to walk THROUGH me. (No, really.)

RESIDENTS OF WESTMOUNT, MONTREAL: You are not X-Men. You cannot phase through solid matter, regardless of the extent of your annual income and/or holdings. Thought you oughta know.

But here's why Westmount was awesome yesterday. I ran into (not literally, which also helps) Valerie and Chris Gold! I didn't even know they were back in the country. And just like that, Westmount became a fantastic place for me again. Thanks for that.

It had to be done...

2010-04-18T11:25:00.001-04:00

I was starting to get embarrassed every time I visited.
Hello, Amigos!

ASM 48-hour film fest screening!

2009-09-09T22:17:00.003-04:00

Dudes!

I shot my first action fight sequence this weekend! In heels! Check it:

Alchemy in 10/8

Hee hee!

Almost through...

2009-07-29T07:18:00.000-04:00

And can I just say?
Stupid Facebook.

Well...

2009-06-03T17:15:00.001-04:00

...the storm has descended.

A little calm before the storm...

2009-05-20T16:10:00.002-04:00

So here's what's up so far, Babies!

I just did a couple of staged readings last week (which is less stress in that you don't have to memorize your lines or the blocking, but infinitely more nerve-wracking because of how little preparation time you get. All you can do is to hope that your instincts are on). The awesomest (I know it's not a word---neener neener neener) was working on Harlem Duet by Djanet Sears. Not just because it's this incredibly written prelude to Shakespeare's Othello, and not just because I got to play the central character, Othello's first (black) wife. But that was a big part of it. It was like playing a black Medea, except without murdering the children. At least, not intentionally. But best of all, I got to act opposite some of my favourite actors in town. What a treat. Which is not to say that it wasn't agony at times. I put too much pressure on myself.

I will start teaching at Concordia again in June, which is tres swell. It's nice to teach (sort of) adults for a change. I'm thinking about making my focus voice work this time around. We'll see what kind of group I'll be with.

But there's more!
Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment and so I accepted to be on the Fringe jury again this year. A whirlwind of shows in ten days, trying to separate the wheat from the chaff, and yet not to get sucked into the vortex that is the beer tent, and then have something more or less relevant to say about what I've seen when it comes time for selection. The toughest part of the jury is leaving your friends at the beer tent to see a show that is shite, but you have to sit through it anyway. Thank the Lord I can see the shows for free. It really is the only consolation.

It also allows me to have an excuse to say nothing if I didn't particularly enjoy the show: "Sorry, I can't really talk about it. I'd love to give you feedback you know, but I can't..." *wink!wink!* Thank the Lord. At least noone's feelings get hurt. I'm an appalling liar when it comes to crap shows.

And YouthWorks has just slowed down for the next couple of weeks. Now it's time to write up the grants (blech) and prepare the summer programs. I also secretly hope to somehow save up enough money to escape to an island for at least a week in August. That would be choice!

And of course, there is also the super duper excitement of being cast in the Segal Centre for Performing Arts season opening of Inherit the Wind! I'll be playing Rachael Brown. (which is also my cousin's name, funnily enough) So here's a first for me: at the Segal centre, and I'm cast as a romantic lead. Really? No hookers? Single mothers? What about the maid? No? Not even a little? What a refreshing change. There may be hope yet for this town. In fact, what's even more awesome is that the part wasn't written for a black woman. Which is a big deal for the Segal Centre. That doesn't happen often unless you're somebody with clout like Tyrone Benskin. How much do I love my director, Greg Kramer? Lots. Uh huh.

There are other thngs on the burner, but after the repeated and persistent pain of anticipating and then losing out on auditions and other projects (from now on, we no longer refer to that musical by name, but whose initials are Dreamgirls...d'oh!) I'll hold those ones close to my chest until contracts are signed or at the very least I'm in rehearsal.

I know I've neglected you, and I'm sorry. When I'm not busy with work, the moment I slow down, all of the most recent flu and cold bugs catch up with me. But I still love you, and think of you often. I just can't (or am too tired) to do anything about it. I always appreciate your patience and the fact that you stick with me, even when I don't deserve it. I gotta tell ya, I have super friends and family. Which is what keeps me going.

Loving you!

An exciting year ahead

2009-04-07T23:12:00.001-04:00

I can't even begin to tell you. Mainly because I'm so sleepy. But you'll hear about it...oh very yes.

Honestly...

2009-02-18T04:58:00.002-05:00

I haven't got much to say, I feel guilty for not posting in ages, and I can't sleep, so...lucky you!

...and this false alertness is going to get me into trouble, I can feel it. It's probably something like the drunk n' dial phenomenon. Here's hoping I don't write something retarded.

Anyway, I was AWOL (again) because I was directing the School Tour production this year, and I've never directed professionally before, so I was a wee bit of a basketcase. Happily, I didn't hurt anybody, the play is being well-received in the schools and hurray I didn't wreck anything. So that's really good news. Now I find myself mentally and creatively exhausted, which probably won't last much longer than another week. In the meantime, life is feeling a little bit like sleepwalking. But whatevs, I'm starting to learn that it's just part of my creative cycle. Either I'm plugged in, or I'm not.

Yeah, and now we're getting to the dangerous stage of insomnia when I think that I'm being all deep and philospohical, but in reality I'm rambling incoherently.

I'm out!

The Ultimate Poutine

2008-12-04T00:09:00.002-05:00

This is a poutine for foodies.
I had originally called it the 007:Quantum of Solace Poutine because it's that sexy, but I'm open to name suggestions.
I just tested it, and it's pretty doggone awesome. I can't tell you quantities, because what's the point? I have no idea what they are. Anyway, it's up tp you to decide how much of each flavour you want in there.

Layer the ingredients in this order:

awesome fries (I use oven baked wedges, but whatever floats your boat. If I had the choice, it would be those deep-fried chewy sweet fries, but anyway. It's too messy to make at home)
sauteed chicken breast (I marinated them in olive oil, cayenne pepper, garlic, tamari, and a little worcestershire) with white wine and mushrooms
cheese curds
caramelized onions
peppercorn sauce (I had good results with Knorr green peppercorn sauce)
crumbled bacon

Gentlemen, start your engines.

Back in the saddle again...

2008-11-20T08:58:00.002-05:00

Howdy y'all!

Now that the show has been over for awhile I've been able to concentrate on my other jobs, which are essentially only at Black Theatre Workshop. YouthWorks is a good program, but the enrollment is a scandal, and straight up heartbreaking. But we're hustling to get things going. I sometimes worry that I'm going to get fired, but then I think to myself, who else would do this job at my salary? No, I think the greatest concern is hanging on to the funding for the program. And getting more funding to be able to better advertise and afford awesome guest teachers.

And the preparation for the School tour play is underway, which is awesome. I've finished most of the research for the playwright and just have to send him two more things today and then wait for the updated script. I've got my cast, got my team, we're working on the design, and now I'm just trying to find a time that everybody can get together to workshop this thing.

And I've just started working out again. It's been awhile. To tell the truth, once I quit working at the gym, I didn't want to see the inside of another gym for a little while. But what can I say? Besides the shocking arrival of what appears to be cellulite, the gym three minutes away from BTW and 12 minutes away from my house made me a membership offer I couldn't refuse. So now, Mike and I are training most days, and I am sore as heck. And I'm broke again, but at least I'll be pretty!

This no doubt makes me really immature

2008-11-18T22:15:00.001-05:00

...but I fully dig that Nicolas Archambault fella from So You Think You Can Dance Canada. Like, fully.

Howdy!

2008-11-07T08:14:00.003-05:00

Well, the show is finally over, and it was a success, I think. I'm glad things went well, and the company has garnered some more respect in the community, which is pretty awesome, I think. I'm very proud of Mike. Man, if I had half of this guy's ambition and energy when I was his age...
Anyway, I got some complimentary reviews "beautiful," and "sparkling live-wire". Hilarious.

I think that the thing which is most gratifying to me on a personal level is the sense that finally I am making a place for myself in this theatre community. I mean, three successful shows this year and now this directing gig with an absolute dream team of actors and designers. I've noticed that people are starting to treat me differently, like I actually live here instead of just being a visitor. Which is, when you think about it, a colossal load of bollocks. I mean what is this little theatre community in Montreal anyway? It ain't the West End or Broadway.

It's not so much the notoriety that matters for its own sake, it's the prospect that doors continue to open up for me to keep working and doing projects that I love. And to tell the truth, I'd like my work to be enjoyed and appreciated by discerning folk. More than that just seems risky. I'm aware of my insecurities, and I think that beyond a certain level of success, that it would become almost dangerous for me. How could I not turn into a complete and utter asshat? I don't think anyone's immune to that particular risk.

I remember talking to Mike about ambition. He's aiming for the stratosphere, this one. Success, and glory and all that. I just want to work, make a decent living, make some great art, and make in difference in people's lives with it. You know, to become an incredible acting teacher and to help others be successful. (It's not that noble when you take into account that I'm scared of too much suceess.) But it seems that because I don't reach as far as Mike, I'm not advancing along that path as much as he is. I want the moon, he wants the stars, and so he's already at the moon while I'm on the roof.
That probably made no sense whatsoever. Bof.
Je vous aime, Bebes!

Only three more shows!

2008-11-01T10:25:00.002-04:00

Hey hey, Kids!

As of Monday, no more clearing dirt out of my lungs every night! I'll sleep more! The show is going really well, better than I expected. It looks like Mike's big gamble has paid off!

Anyway, I need to go nap, we've got two shows today and I'd like to not suck.
Je vous aime, Bébés!

Why has this only occurred to me now?

2008-10-13T23:29:00.002-04:00

So, it's Thanksgiving weekend, and I worked through pretty much all of it. (Except for Saturday, which I apparently slept through.) I haven't yet taken a moment to think of the things for which I'm grateful. Number one are definitely the people I love, who inexplicably love me back. But hey, I'll take it and a side of fries, thank you very much.

And I want to continue on this edifying and healthy train of thought, but at the moment I'm too tired and sick to do it. Darn it, I'm going to the clinic tomorrow. There's a nasty bout of strep throat going around the cast and for the first time today my throat is suspiciously sore. I will also get my wrists checked out and see if I can get anything to help me sleep at nights because I'm having a lot of nightmares.

Uh, grateful, grateful! I still have a job for now! I'm more healthy than unhealthy, my roommate is a good person and good to me, I get to act for a living, I'm going to direct a professional play, and the future is full of possibilities, I have a nephew! I just gotta keep my head above water and not dwell on the bad stuff.

I hope that wherever you are and whatever's going on with you, that you keep your head up.

Question...

2008-09-27T17:13:00.001-04:00

(by the way, didn't get the part.)

So my question is this: If my hands are numb or sometimes tingly for hours on end, is that a bad thing?

AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-11T17:15:00.002-04:00

Guess who has an audition in Toronto this Monday?
And guess what show it's for?

DREAMGIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh please, oh please, oh PLEASE pray hard for me; send me your good vibes and good wishes, and if they could be timed to kick somewhere between 2:45 pm and 5pm this coming Monday that would be stellar.

Believe it or not...

2008-09-09T17:10:00.002-04:00

I've actually got a date this coming Saturday!
Keep an eye out for headlines proclaiming that pigs are now capable of flight.

Oh, also:

I'm allowed to laugh about this because of my Asian heritage! The unfair double standard lives on!

Makes me wanna holler...

2008-08-27T16:33:00.002-04:00

I gotta tell you, today I'm not very happy with my city. Don't get me wrong, Montreal is gorgeous, it's a warm, sunny day, I'm off work early and enjoying a lovely chicken salad sandwich that I made. My voice is slowly healing, and I'm pretty darn healthy, if a little overweight. I'm going to direct an amazing play for the School Tour at BTW. Perhaps it's more a question of not being happy with people today.

I've been reading some local community papers discussing the Fredy Villanueva shooting by police. I've been thinking about accomodements raisonnables, I've been thinking about the funding cuts in the arts sector. And I'm livid. What angers me is a wanton disregard for humanity, for "the other" in our society. Which touches me nearly because that's a cross-section of the population that I identify most with: that which is not the mainstream, the majority. And I gotta tell you, it's hard not to take this mess personally. Because I've been harassed by the police for living, my image is trivialized and caricaturized by colleagues in blackface during work parties at the gym, (although I'm unreasonable for taking offense); the government is slashing funding for arts programs and my kids and I can't catch a break.

So I've decided to practice what a very wise friend and colleague of mine said to me a few years back when I was going through my separation and divorce: put it in the work. Well, I'm going to. And I won't pull any punches. The kids will love it; the teachers... watch out.

The walking wounded

2008-08-07T15:54:00.002-04:00

Dudes, I have made a new discovery: When you are really, really tired, from lack of sleep or training too hard, you tend to get injured a lot, for stupid random stuff. This is the week I'm having right now. I've begun biking to and from work for the past week, and the stupid thing has bitten me countless times. My legs and arms are full of scratches. I bump into doorframes, bang my hip against tables as I walk by, drop stuff on my toes, and burn myself on hot cookware or the oven. The latest? This morning in the shower, as I looked up to rinse my face, the showerhead fell on my nose. I saw stars, yo. And then I panicked. My face is my fortune! (and believe me, I can't afford any drop in revenue.) Thankfully nothing is broken, but now I really feel like I'm back in the schoolyard when I used to scrap all the time.

Enough is enough!

2008-07-21T14:12:00.004-04:00

No more hosing around! The whole point of keeping a blog in the first place was so that I would be able to keep in touch with amigos of mine and let them know what's the 411 in my life, since I'm afflicted with a retarded schedule (or tunnel vision, take your pick). So, although I actually have been really busy and have had limited computer access, to be perfectly honest, I haven't been feeling the "sharing vibe". Which, if you know me well, you also know that it happens periodically. I go AWOL. But hopefully, if you're still my friend after all this time, then you understand this about me and we can just pick up where we left off.

Okey dokey, here's what's up:

When I finally got back to Montreal, even though I knew I would be moving out of my apartment five days later, I couldn't actually bring myself to do anything except loaf around on the

SOFA OF DOOM

and watch DVDs. The coolest thing was watching the Bourne Identity trilogy and see all of the places I visited. That was pretty darn cool. I ate a lot of delivery food. A lot. I figured that I had one last chance at a truly slothful, debauched, lazy session without guilt, and so I took it. Since I knew I was going to once again have a roommate, I knew I'd feel really self-conscious about spending hours of time eating junk food and watching movies. Particularly since my roommate is such an industrious, together kind of person. And it was an awesome time (and blah blah, it also gave me some time to cope with jet lag) just being with me. I hadn't gotten to spend that much time on my own while on vacation-besides, it's just rude to abandon one's travel companions just because one happens to be a loner by nature.

The downside to all of that of course, is that I scrambled like a madwoman to get my stuff packed and ready to move. Which resulted in me basically only have the bare minimum of things ready to go. Yes indeed, over the course of the next month, it got really feng shui up in my apartment with some serious clutter clearing. I think I got rid of 1/3 of my belongings and clothing. Since I was moving into a furnished apartment, I had to be ruthless about what I would keep, what I would put in storage, and what I would throw away. But hurray, it finally all got done, and now I live in an awesome apartment ten minutes away from Black Theatre Workshop and Twenty minutes away from the gym. On foot, no less. And my apartment is so pretty!

And so is my roommate for that matter, but she also just happens to be a very cool human being with a great heart. I couldn't have chosen a better roommate for myself. It's funny, I knew her from theatre school, but she was a year ahead of me, so we never really hung out that much before she started living with Quincy last year. Truth be told, I was a bit intimidated by her at the time, and over the years, even though we both have very close friends in common, we never really connected. (Fun fact: Paula Jean happens to be my favourite stage actress! Which, when you think about it, is like living with Cate Blanchett or something.) Yeah, I was a little in awe of her for the first two weeks.

So although I am a selfish girl with strong hermitty tendencies, I've managed to find a happy medium of being social and involved, but also still having time to retreat and be with myself. And now my bedroom has become a sanctuary of awesomeness, for whenever I want to have a perfectly lazy Sunday. I mean, even though they say you should never do anything in your room except sleep, I've got my TV and DVD in there, and I gotta tell you, as much as I love the

SOFA OF DOOM

(now located in my new apartment, utterly devouring all will for independent movement
in a whole new generation of unwary visitors---the carnage continues)

I have found a new love: bigger, better, and sexier:

THE BOTTOMLESS BED!!!!

Oh yes, darlings, I'm taking my sloth to a whole 'nother level. It's so awesome, I can't even talk about it yet. I've just about worked out the perfect setup for this. The only thing that could make it even more perfect would be to get one of those rolling trays like they have in the hospital. Yeah. That would be sweeeeet. Reading, watching movies, sleeping, AND eating, all in one place? Absolute heaven.

As for dating and relationships: don't ask. Nothing, nothing, NOTHING on the horizon, beyond doing the rounds with some newly acquired male friends and making sure that for them, nookie is not the underlying motivation for befriending me. But I gotta tell you, I like my life right now and I really enjoy the freedom of being single, I've always enjoyed my own company immensely. It would take a rather compelling individual to get me to alter my schedule. But I don't ask for much beyond a connection: just be nice to me, don't cheat, and don't hit. Hmm, seems pretty low maintenance of me, and maybe that's not a good thing. It's not like I don't have standards (because I do, believe you me), it's just that I don't think that I require a lot from a potential partner, is all. Or maybe what seems simple to me is actually a difficult thing to do. Anyway, blah blah blah, in the meantime, I'll just be getting on with my life.

I'm taking the year off singing while my nodes heal, because I don't want to have to have surgery. Happily, they've been diagnosed before they've gotten too severe, but I've got some major changes to make in my lifestyle, let me tell you. Anyway, I've got an appointment with the speech therapist in August. And I need to actually go pick up my prescriptions (but I'm broke, and I don't have insurance-crap). But hey, one step at a time. I've already cut out coffee, I've cut back on smoking and will start on the patch at the end of the week, and if all goes well, I won't need to have surgery. Once this summer intensive is over, I can get back into training on a regular basis, and then I'll do a great big detox! It's time to start taking care of me a little better, because I'm willing to give up a lot of things, but singing isn't one of them. If everything goes according to plan, by the end of the fall my voice should be back to normal.

And let me tell you what else is going on with this life of mine! We're in the midst of the summer intensive at BTW, which is going well, although enrollment is still down. I'm hoping that we can get numbers up over the course of the year, by switching up the format of the workshop. Classes are going well, it's a long day for me, starting at the gym at 6 in the morning, and then going straight to BTW to teach.

I just recently got cast in the English premiere of Lion in the Streets by Judith Thompson. The play runs from October 22-November 2. There will be elements of dance involved as well, which I'm looking forward to doing. I need challenges. Apparently, the play has never been done with as large of a cast as we are (generally, the actors play multiple roles) and for the first time, the lead character (a 9 year-old Portuguese girl) will actually be played by a young Portuguese child! Which is pretty intense, if you know anything about the play.

And although I haven't yet signed a contract, I've been asked to direct the School Tour production of Skin for BTW. It's so exciting, because I've only ever directed children up until now and I'm looking forward to directing professionals. I think communication will go a lot more smoothly. And it's my first professional directing gig!

Today, I'm feeling really ill, and have hit the mid-point slump (with regards to my level of fatigue) in the summer workshop. It's a challenge to remain patient and to take my time with the students.

I just saw The Dark Knight. Good flickin' movie! Heath Ledger is where it's at, Baby!
And I finally heard the latest cd by Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals, and Al Green. Amazing, simply amazing. I love that happy swoon I get when music is really good and speaks to my soul. It's what I had always imagined love at first sight would feel like. (If it ever happens, I'll be sure to compare notes.)

Here's love and a kiss for you: *m'wah!*
Don't be a stranger...

London, London, London!

2008-05-31T07:13:00.003-04:00

Oh man, there's so much to tell you all about this trip, but since I'm back at Lianne's with a moment to get online, it would be very rude for me to stay on the computer for much longer. But let me at least tell you about some of the places I've seen!

We started in London, and then flew to Parma where we rented a car and travelled to Milan. Let me tell you, there are some mighty skinny women in that town, I'm talking matchsticks on high heels, but anyway. And it is true, Italians are beautiful, and the men sure do appreciate women. My little ego has been boosted, I can tell you. And the Duomo cathedral is apparently the 3rd largest in the world and took 600 years to build. It's hard to believe people can construct things like that. Absolutely gorgeous.
I'm having a blast with Mom, she's a lot of fun. The best part of this trip is getting to spend time with her, and considering how amazing this trip is, that's saying a lot.

Then after we went to Milan, we went to Venice, which was stunning. I mean, it's like seeing a 1950's starlet, sure she's getting on in years, but boy, she's still got it. You know what I mean? After that, we went to Tuscany and stayed in this village called Tavarnelle, which has records dating its existence back to 780 B.C. It is easily the most beautiful country I have ever seen or imagined, and no pictures can prepare you for it. Afterwards we went on to Pisa, and of course saw the tower, but the real treasure is the Cathedral. I don't even have words for it. I was so overwhelmed, I actually wept. I really get why Italians have so much national pride, and why so many of the greatest artists come from there. The natural beauty of the country offers a lot of inspiration.

Afterwards, we went to Cinque Terre and chilled at the beach for a couple of days (I've got a bit of a tan-hooray!)

And then there was Paris. Whoa. I saw everything you could possibly see on foot in 13 hours, and believe me, it's incredible! I went to the Louvre and saw the permanent collection (Mona Lisa, Venus de Milo, etc.) and it's very powerful when you see them for yourself. There was so much to see in town, and I can't wait to come back. I think if anything could motivate me to take saving money seriously, it would be the prospect of returning to Paris to spend a week just walking and exploring. Also, I met Aaron Eckhart-well, bumped into him on the street. He posed for a picture with me and was very sweet about it all.

Now I'm back in London at Lianne's house. Last night, we went down to the pub and enjoyed fish and chips, irish stew, potato & leek soup with soda bread (all homemade). And I had Black Velvets. I met these great people originally from Ireland and we chatted outside, talking about travel, and all kinds of things. They said they liked London because everybody didn't know your business like they do back home.

I'm going to be really sad to leave Lianne and Mom when I go back home, but I'm also looking forward to seeing everybody. Man, it's been awesome being on vacation. Now I get why people have them.

I'll be moving closer downtown next month, which means more sleep! Hooray! Anyway, I gotta go. Bisous to all of you (well, to you if you're the only one reading this, then.)
Ciao 4 now!

Latest updates

2008-05-14T12:07:00.002-04:00

Hiya Peeps!

I've got one foot out the door, I mean I'm this close to leaving for a three week vacation to Europe. Man, it's so good to be spoiled. I'm gonna see Brownie in London, because she's got a mini-Kernan growing in her belly. Pretty nifty.

Anyhoo, 7 Stories was a great success, I had loads of fun. I didn't get called back for the Centaur show, but I'm not stressing about it. I had my best audition so far, and I believe that it won't be without effect. It just may have to be later rather than sooner. Oh well.

I got many plans and things coming up, but I guess I won't talk about them until they happen. I don't know why. Oh. Probably because it sucks when plans fall through and then I have to tell everybody all about it. Yeah, that would be the reason why. Anyhow, once I get back in June, I think I may start blogging a little more regularly. I may not, but I'd like to.

I actually have to get a move on, I'm going to see a play at Centaur, and then I have to hustle back to BTW to prepare for the advanced class' outcome performance tonight. Last night, the intermediate students did their thing. And then all I have left to do are some administrative type things before I leave on Saturday.

Hurray for me! I'll miss you, but not enough to stay here!

Also, I thought this picture was funny. The caption was:

Hey, that's not creamer!

Is it immature that I laugh at this?

2008-04-14T15:20:00.003-04:00

So on both sides of the globe, marketing departments are wildly hung over. The first sampling comes straight out of Japan:

And why do band-aids need to be mint-flavoured? I don't even want to begin to imagine.

And then right here in our very own country, the box of milk I took out of my friend Peter's fridge to add to my morning coffee on the day of my audition:(I think you can click on it to see a larger image)

Something is very, very wrong with the world. Where's the sensitivity, man? (and why am I still giggling over this?)

A month at a glance:

2008-04-09T13:29:00.002-04:00

Hi Y'all!

Sorry that I've been AWOL for the last little while. A lot has been happening and in all conscience I couldn't really take the time out to blog. I'd feel terribly guilty about it in the face of the mountain of work that is always waiting for me here at BTW. Nevertheless, here's what's been up with me:

I went to Toronto for an audition for Driftwood Theatre. Didn't get the part, but hey, audition experience is a good thing.
My best friend Quincy got a callback for Stratford and is going down there this Sunday! I'm very proud of him.
I'm about to submit my name for an audition for a Centaur Theatre show going up next spring. Please send all your good vibes my way!
My voice is completely scrapped and has been for the past two months, so I'm really worried about it. Also afraid to go to a doctor in case it's bad news. Not logical, but I will face the truth in the next six days.
Rehearsals for Seven Stories are going really well, and we got the cover of the QDF booklet this spring, which is amazing.
I saw some really great theatre this month, particularly the BTW mainstage production, blood[claat]. d'bi young anitafrika is one of the most incredible performers I have EVER seen.
Last week I was so sick, I spent almost the entire week in bed.
I turned 33 years old last Sunday.
Vitamin B complex is the secret to happy vibes.

I love y'all and miss you very much. If you get the chance, check out Seven Stories at the Theatre Ste. Catherine. The show runs from April 30-May 10.

And we're off!

2008-03-04T06:01:00.002-05:00

So tired. Started rehearsals for Seven Stories last night. Cute cast--I mean truly, it's going to be a challenge to resist the lure of socializing too much with them, because I still have to do things like...well, sleep.

Tonight is my dad's last night in town and then he won't be back until September. I'm trying not to think about it, and that way maybe the time will pass by quicker. Which means I've got to get busy with getting my vaccinations and applying for my traveller's visa, and probably some kind of health insurance wouldn't go amiss.

Bleg. Sorry, there's no way I can bring myself to be anything more than utterly banal today because I'm so bloody tired. I'm sure my YW presentation at the staff meeting later this morning will be a winner.

Poo.

2008-02-29T17:40:00.002-05:00

As the heading would no doubt suggest, I didn't get a callback for Stratford. But I'm totally going to audition again next year and every year after until they come to their senses and realize that I am the one they're waiting for.

Dad's back in town! Can't wait to see him on Sunday.

The high school play I directed is finally over. Thank God I don't have to go back all the way out in Pierrefonds again.

My brain is kind of stuck, which doesn't bode well for the class I have to teach tonight. I think I may pick up a coffee on my way to class.

But here's something really amazing: I picked up bell hooks' Teaching to Transgress again, and it's exactly the spark I need to reinvigorate my teaching again, which is beginning to get stale. So that's awesome.

Anyway, I need to stop futzing around, write one more set of emails to close out my Riverdale contract and then I'm off.

Anyhoo, I love you!

EEEE!!!!

2008-02-22T16:25:00.002-05:00

I'm waiting to find out whether or not I got a callback for the Stratford audition. I don't think I'll hear anything about it for at least another week. If I get a callback, I'll be going to T.O. on March 3. In any case, I'm hoping to make it out to Toronto in March, because there's a theatre company out there doing a musical tour of Romeo and Juliet. And hey, it's an Equity gig, so the pay shouldn't be too crap (I hope).

I'm here at the office and having a hard time settling down to work. I'm going to try again soonish. It may also interest you to know that now that I have time to work out regularly, my health is doing much better and my weight is getting under control. Now if only I was disciplined about eating healthily...one thing at a time, right?

Also, next Wednesday I'm going to lunch with a casting agent. I know, finally. I refuse to stress about it until after we've met and I find out what she can do.
...
Actually, now I've gotten an inside scoop about her, and so basically, I'm just going over to enjoy a free lunch. She's not in a position to be very helpful to me right now. Quelle drag. But that's okay. This will be a learning experience, because I've never spoken with an agent before.

Okay, now I'm really going back to work.
Loving you!

Sorry...

2008-02-12T16:23:00.000-05:00

It would appear that I've gotten jerky and neglectful again. There's just so much going on these days, I don't even know where to start.

Okay, first of all, the Cyclops. It was a fun show, I had a blast, people seemed to really enjoy it, and since then, a lot of really amazing opportunities have begun to open up for me as an actress. I just got cast in the next Tableau D'Hôte show going up in the first two weeks of May at Theatre Ste. Catherine. It's called Seven Stories, a play by Morris Panych, and I'm playing Rachel, a hyper-religious woman. It's a funny play and a funny part. Actually, although I know she's a character that many people would dismiss as foolish or crazy, I actually have a lot of compassion for her.

Next week, I have an audition for the Stratford Conservatory. If that works out, they'll fly me out to Startford for a callback, and if I get accepted into the conservatory, I'll be gone for two years, and then I get a spot in the company the following season. I think I got those details right. Whatever, man. It's Shakespeare! It's Stratford! If I got in, I'd go, no question about it.

Also, a little bird told me that I'm being considered for a part in a big show next season. The director saw the Cyclops and liked me! Yay!

I'm still waiting to find out if the funding came through to mount a production of Harlem Duet in November. I should find out by next month. If so, man, I'm going to work with a terrific cast and director, and I know it'll be the awesomest show playing in Montreal this year. Trust me.

I've been teaching out at John Robert Powers these days as well as the other jobs, and it's going well. Not a demanding gig by any stretch of the imagination, and as a matter of fact, it's putting me in touch with parents who want private voice coaching for their kids! Which pays much better than any other gig I have going on. So thus far, I've got one, possibly two private clients starting in March. I'm so happy to be getting back into voice coaching, because I enjoy it so much.

YouthWorks has been rock and roll this year. Lots of dropouts and maneuvering to keep things running. The play I was going to direct for YouthWorks fell through because one of the students dropped out. Oh yes, I was VEX. But in the end, we've selected another play, and it'll be a better choice for the students, I think. Definitely it's a piece that I feel more confident about being able to direct. The students are fired up about it, and so am I. Yay. Some of the other wrangling we've had to do is to hire apprentice actors to work with the advanced students on their production. But now, after 8 drafts the play is finally in a really good place, and we've got a smart and terrific cast.
I'll keep you posted when the shows go up. But some more wrangling that has happened, is that we're beginning to contract ourselves out to local schools. This month, I've been schlepping out to the back of beyond (Pierrefonds) to direct a student-written play for their Black History Month showcase. If this works out well, I think we'll be able to do this kind of thing for a lot more schools.

And what else? My sister is pregnant! (No, not the youngest one.) I can't wait to go and see her after the play closes in May. I know instinctively that she's one of those utterly stunning pregnant women.

Right. And finally, my schedule at the gym is getting better, and I'm doing more personal training, which is fun. I now have time to work out, and I'm finally getting back in shape and better able to fight off sickness. I'm in the long, slow process of attempting to redo my hair, but when I actually get home, I don't want to do anything except fall into bed. Which I do. Except that there's still not much food in my fridge, and I need to get some laundry and dishes done really soon. Happily, the apartment is still somewhat presentable. I think I need my mom to come visit me again soon to motivate me to clean up my junk.

So now, I have to get back to work translating a play before Quincy arrives and we start rehearsing our monologues for Stratford.

Loving you, Babees!

There IS a heaven on Earth...

2008-01-16T17:56:00.000-05:00

And I've found it.

In the balance...

2008-01-04T07:41:00.000-05:00

Atlantic City was more awesome than not. Yeah, the working conditions are utter crap, stupidly long drive, utterly appalling food, the accommodations just a few degrees shy of being a biohazard, and the wages are a scandal.

But on the other hand, I had more fun with the other female vocalists than I ever could have anticipated. I feared we'd end up being a really cheesy version of the Pussycat Dolls or something, but we were more like En Vogue. Onstage, we killed that place, and I'm prouder of what we did than I've ever been since I started with that band. And we had a blast offstage too (when we weren't coughing up lungs because of the hotel-I said I wasn't going to complain about that.) I think I keep taking these gigs because I enjoy being with the other musicians so much.
Everybody loved us (with the exception of snotty girls who felt threatened by the fact that we all weighed under 200 pounds. What!? It's true. Women are catty, it's the reason why I don't generally enjoy working with other women.)

I listened to lots of Richard Cheese and François Pérusse, which was pure jokes. Although I didn't eat particularly well, I did manage to get to the gym everyday, so I actually managed to lose some weight. We even got to party with DJ Jazzy Jeff on New Year's in the big indoor pool after we finished our gig.

Yeah, when I weight it all in the balance, it was being with my colleagues that made up for being far away from my family and friends (who I missed terribly, particularly on Christmas and New Year's.) And I think that this coming year, I want to make a point of physically being with the people I love much more than I did last year.

Good things come in threes?

2007-12-13T06:56:00.000-05:00

Well, over the past couple of weeks, I've certainly put that statement to the test, as far as movies are concerned anyway. I know I'm not the only one who noticed that this year there were a scary amount of movies releasing the third installment of a series. I saw as many of them as I could remember came out this year:

Spiderman 3-We've already had that discussion.

Shrek 3-Trite, but pretty animation.

Ocean's Thirteen-I always enjoy the wardrobe.

Bourne Ultimatum-Awesome! I'm going to buy this movie!

Pirates of the Caribbean 3-Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush are the only ones worth watching.

So yeah, it's kind of a pointless post today, but I don't have a lot of mental resources available to be witty, or entertaining or particularly meaningful, because I'm am so tired, it doesn't even hurt anymore.
Happily, I keep a supply of love vibes under reserve under all circumstances. Even though I feel like I have nothing else worthwhile to give today, I hope that knowing that I've been thinking of you and loving you today will be a good thing.

Whuddup shawty!

2007-12-07T07:09:00.000-05:00

I just felt like givin' my girls a holla today. (Fellas, you know I dig you an' all, I'm just saying it's one of those days that I'm feeling the sisterhood. Anyway.)

I went to the opening night of Urban Tales at the Centaur, and of course I seem to be unable to drag my butt out of that place before midnight. But it was fun, my little sister came out with her boyfriend (they're such a sickeningly gorgeous couple that you would hate them if they weren't genuinely cool people) and one of my oldest friends (there isn't an english phrase equivalent to 'de longue date' is there, because she's not old, she's my age, but anyway) who I reconnected with this summer. We used to torment her little brother when we were seven. Poor Hayden. Good times. But I digress. I won't review the play here. I'm still deciding how I feel about it. But basically, it meant that I got less than four hours of sleep again. Right now, I'm hopped up on caffeine and hoping it'll carry me through for an hour or two...or ten.

Today, I'm going straight from the gym to rehersal, and then I have a blessed hour and a half to either nap or to prepare for my first class at John Robert Powers (yeah, because obviously five jobs wasn't enough). So, maybe a power nap. And after that, I'm going to swing by the Playwright's Workshop Christmas party because I've got to represent my theatre company. My boss is in a show at the Segal, the general manager and marketing director are at a Canada Council thingy in Toronto. So who's left except me (and the box office manager, and admin assistant, and of course all of the YouthWorks people...) Whatever. That is my story and I'm sticking to it. BTW represent! So it doesn't look like there'll be a lot of sleep tonight either. But that's okay, because the weekend is coming, right?

Yeah. It will be a full one, but full of fun! There is a little bit of work involved, a gig in Trois Rivieres, and a sound check at flickin' one in the afternoon, which is, I think, absolutely appalling and uncivilized for an evening show. But even though I'll be stranded out in in the sticks all day, in some town behind God's back, I'll be with cool people, getting fed and watered for free. And the gig only lasts an hour and a half. Which is cool. Some of the band members want to perhaps hang out there and stay overnight, but I want to be back the next day to see Tyrone in Enemy of the People in the afternoon. The Segal Theatre also happens to be a ten minute walk from my house. I was hoping to get to see Housekeeping and Homewrecking again that day as well, but there's just no time. So either I'll spend the rest of the day on my

SOFA OF DOOM!

or I may chill with the cast at their closing party. I dunno. When it comes to me vs. the sofa, the sofa has an overwhelming record of knockouts. Is all I'm saying.

You know, I've completely forgotten what I was going to write to y'all about in the first place. I obviously need another coffee. Ah, livin' it up when the boss is away at a conference. When the cat's away, and all that rot. So. Yeah. More coffee.

I keep on keeping on...

2007-12-03T06:41:00.001-05:00

Hey y'all. It's been awhile since I've written, which says a lot about the schedule I've been keeping. Anyway, it's not that I actually have much to talk about lately, but I can at least say that things are good.
I miss you, pals.

I must be livin' right...

2007-11-14T19:49:00.001-05:00

This morning, I won a cheque for $150 from the gym because last month, we had this big sales push and I sold a lot of memberships so I had a lot of ticket entries.
And this afternoon, I received a $75 gift certificate because I made the most phone calls for this Open House we had last week.

And can I tell you? Not a moment too soon...I can finally pay some bills and can get some new clothes for gigging during the holiday season.

I'm on a roll, Baybees! I feel like I should enter the lottery, or phone up Viggo Mortensen and ask him out on a date or something. Somebody come and rub my head, there's more than enough good luck to go around!

PREEEOWWW!

2007-11-14T07:54:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was an eventful day. In a good way.

For the first time in three years, I'm actually going to be performing in a play that isn't being produced by Black Theatre Workshop! A crazy carnival musical for the Wildside Festival at Centaur Theatre in January. It's called Cyclops.

I'll be playing a nurse on a psych ward/witch/waitress/whore.
So you know, breaking stereotypes. Yeah. 'Cause that's how we do.

But seriously, I'm very flattered to have been considered for the show, and I'm really excited about working with the cast, thus far they are all actors whose work I really respect. And they happen to be friends. I'm excited and a little bit terrified. No Black Theatre Workshop safety net. But hey, I get to sing, and that's one thing I know I can do well. I've been dying to do a musical ever since Afrika Solo.

More details to come, but in the meantime, give it up for ME!

Finally!

2007-11-06T15:21:00.000-05:00

My apartment is tidy! I'm much less ashamed of it. Hurray for me.

Also, Spiderman 3 is a steaming pile of cinematic waste. At first I thought it was just about critics being snobby and having unrealistic expectations of a comic book movie.
But no, Tobey Maguire breaking into song and dance is NOT what I'm looking for from my friendly neighbourhood web-slinger. For a moment I thought I that someone had snuck into my apartment and slipped a roofie into my green tea. But no. The surreality and bizarreness of the scene could not be blamed on any kind of intoxication.

And furthermore, Eastern Promises was AMAZING! and I just wish that Viggo Mortensen would come to his senses and realize that I am the only woman for him. I just feel instinctively that Viggo loves me just the way I am.

How awesome is it...

2007-10-26T09:12:00.000-04:00

...that Dumbledore is gay? Ever since J.K. Rowling outed him, I've been thinking about it. What a coup. What do you think?

Heroes...

2007-10-01T15:08:00.000-04:00

...is the new crack cocaine. Watch it! (I mean, watch out...)

Also, in spite of the fact that I'm still fat(ter than ever) I've been working out more regularly and am getting stronger. Even though I'm squishier than I'd like, I've still got a discernible waist and enough muscle mass to keep things from getting completely out of hand. If I stop eating pizza things will no doubt improve some more.

And even though I've been working a lot, I've been getting caught up on my rest (granted, it was because I had a system shutdown due to fatigue) and so now I feel good!

And ever since there are three staff members for YouthWorks, I'm much more efficient with my time and things are getting accomplished, and done really well by all of us. It's a nice feeling to not be running around like a chicken with your head cut off and to only have mediocre work to show for it. I haven't felt truly competent at what I do for awhile now. I like it.

Still alive, Beautiful Ones...

2007-09-20T14:34:00.000-04:00

...just stupid busy, although happily, my schedule has settled into a more predictable pattern. Now it's simply a question of getting accustomed to it, and then I'll start falling asleep at an appropriate time, which leads to energy to start doing all kinds of swell stuff, such as groceries and working out regularly...all those things that ultimately lead to a healthier, happier me. Already, I'm a lot more productive and focused (which is why you never hear from me); I can only hope that as the trend continues that I'll get to be social again. Who knows, I may even be able to spare time to meet boys again...

Okay, back to work.

Bye Beautiful Ones!

Sleep

2007-09-05T06:58:00.001-04:00

would be brilliant.

That is all.

Could it be...

2007-08-30T16:48:00.000-04:00

the light at the end of the tunnel?

Oh snap! No, that was just a migraine. I saw my dad in the hospital yesterday after his hip surgery. Morphine all of a sudden doesn't seem as awesome as I was convinced it would be. Poor Daddy. Mind you, he's still pretty darned hilarious. I'm not sure if the stress of seeing him in that kind of pain, sleep deprivation, work pressure and hormones did the rest. Probably. (There is a slight possibility that three beers and a gin and tonic the night before may have played a role in that as well, but I doubt it.)

Well, one way or another, I've got to keep my head up. I've got my very own seasonal cycle of living and working intensely followed by a crash that takes a couple of months to climb out of before I do it all again. The crash sucks, but it must be working for me, otherwise I wouldn't keep doing it. I'll never forget the monotony and misery and sameness of PS-Hell.

P.S. There is the smallest chance that my work situation will improve. More to come on that later. Like, when I know precisely how it will improve. It may mean not working 60-70 hours a week on three to four different gigs.

P.P.S. No matter how entertaining you may have found Bloodsport (featuring Jean Claude Van Damme) back in the day, I'm here to tell you: you can never go back. Watching Forrest Whittaker, I felt (in equal measure) deep pity and an overwhelming urge to set things on fire.

I'm telling you...don't do it. Not even a little.

To be honest

2007-08-27T16:30:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling kind of low. I'm sure it's just exacerbated by fatigue and the fact that I haven't taken a proper vacation that was sufficient to recharge my batteries, but there it is. The small things that are getting me down in and of themselves aren't enough to bring me down, but the collective is doing it. I'm not going to enumerate them, because there's nothing new to say. It's a version or another of the ongoing things that pop up and bite me in the butt.

I just can't seem to muster up the energy to do things that are good for me lately, like exercise, grocery shop, cook healthy food, work out, go to church and read my bible, see my friends, write in my journal...Being fat is a drain, man. I can't believe I'm (once again) back where I started.

It seems that I can function just enough to keep my head above water and a roof over that. Well, what else can I do except work and hope that it pulls me out of the mire again. It's worked before.

(Yeah, nothing witty or entertaining today. Maybe tomorrow.)

The deep breath before the plunge...

2007-08-15T06:26:00.000-04:00

It's time. Things are going to start getting busy again. No more evenings on the

SOFA OF DOOM!

But Lordy, it was fun while it lasted. Time to get back to work, and back to working out (because of course I've gained almost all of the weight I lost this year) and I actually feel positive about it. Well, more ready for it than I did last week, for example.

For your own sakes...

2007-08-13T09:25:00.001-04:00

...don't bother seeing Rush Hour 3 in the theatres. It's a rental. It's also weak and racist and homophobic and formulaic, but well it seems like this year, any movie that ends in 3 is going to be rubbish.

I wish

2007-08-05T21:19:00.001-04:00

I was home again.

(and thirty pounds lighter, but that's secondary.)

Goin' Stateside...

2007-07-30T08:56:00.000-04:00

I've been rather sloppy about writing, Facebook is the new crack. What is it about the artificial intimacy that appeals to me? Probably that it feels like a safe amount of distance or something.
Anyway. I'm off today and will be back in a week.

Loving you darlings!

P.S. I had a narrow escape yesterday...apparently, I'm not yet comfortable being around my ex-husband yet. Still hurts.

P.P.S. I had an amazing date on Friday night! And can I just say, Bamboozled is an emotionally brutal movie experience. Particularly when you watch it with a white dude. But he was so cool, not slimy or pretentious...smart, and talented and down-to-earth. So there you go. Guys don't suck after all.

And with that, I'm off...

EEEEEEE!!!!!!!

2007-07-19T21:12:00.001-04:00

I wish it was Saturday...

Momentum...

2007-07-12T18:49:00.000-04:00

is a powerful thing, a force that I have exploited to my benefit in the past, but I am now learning to underestimate at my peril. How easy it is to simply keep on doing something because you've done things a certain way for a long enough time. Your life just falls into place to facilitate practices, routines, courses of action.

For example.

During the atomic explosion of what was once my marriage a few years back, I felt as though I was pretty crap at everything that mattered to me: as a wife, a family member, a friend, a Christian. Dangerously depressing times. But there was a ray of light!

The only thing I was any good at (at the time) was work. So I did a lot of that. And I felt like a little less of a waste of space and skin, and that perhaps I wasn't a mistake that needed to be erased.

And now that I'm doing so much better, and am coming back into my own again, waking up to life and ready to connect and reconnect with people, I'm bogged down under work and can't seem to get out of it. I've set up my life in such a way that I can barely make ends meet with all of my jobs. It hasn't bothered me, because I really enjoy what I do, and it's worth it to me to work hard at what I enjoy, with people I like rather than be back in an office doing random clerical work.

But I find that I'm getting too old to work as many hours as I do for as long as I have done. (Actually, my schedule would beat down a teenager!) I need a solution, a super contract...to get off my butt and record my voice demo tape and look for agents.

This rant has come about because I had anticipated that next week would be only a 14-hour work week--which is a vacation for me!--but it has just now become a 30-hour work week, and I was really counting on having a week to just spend detoxing, sleeping, and working out at the gym...just recovering from what has truly been a very intense 7 months. Oh well, my 14-hour work week will just be delayed another week. That is, if I don't get more shifts dumped on me. Because if I get them, I can't afford not to take them.

But in the words of Jill Scott:

Some of them wanna break you down, steal your crown
Use and abuse you.
Some of them smile in your face, cause they heard it some place,
You got more then they're used to
Some of them want to steal your love, ooh
'Cause they're jealous of ...how you're living and giving.

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep
I keep smiling when I come through ...and I cry when I need too.

Some of them, oh they stab you in your back, 'cause it's love they lack.
Some of them won't even try ...to see the good inside.
But I ....

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing

I keep on , keep on living, keep on learning , keep on smiling ooh ooh yeah
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming, keep on believing, keep on achieving.
I keep smiling when I come through , and I cry when I need to

Oh...My...

2007-07-11T07:07:00.000-04:00

That movie. I'm running on less than three hours of sleep to catch the premiere showing of it and it was so worth it. I can't even talk about it right now. But I'm definitely going back. Who's with me?

Go figure

2007-07-04T06:18:00.000-04:00

After almost two months of not sleeping at home (mostly on the BTW couch), I now find that when I come home in the evenings, where do I end up falling asleep? On my bloody couch. I don't even make it into my room, I'm that tired. I think I've lost the habit of sleeping in my own bed, but it's more than that. I am so tired, I'm afraid I'll just keep on sleeping intead of getting up for work.

On the other hand, I have been falling asleep to some pretty good movies. I'm in the process of watching the first four Harry Potter movies, getting back into the vibe before the release of the latest movie (which I'm going to see--ha-HA!). But a couple of others I've seen that I've really enjoyed are: All About Eve, Black Snake Moan, Bend it Like Beckham, and Vanity Fair.

Last weekend I hung out with my dad, who's back in town from Nigeria and next weekend I'll get to hang out with my mom. It's weird sometimes to be an adult and to not have ready access to them. When I was a kid, I was all about trying to establish my independence from them, and now the older I get, the closer I want them to be to me. Hm. That's a good thing, I think.

So...yeah. Not a lot of interesting stuff left to share, because what's left to talk about (that I want to) sounds a lot like complaining. Fatigue has a way of colouring your perceptions. I don't actually feel that negatively about my life (but I'll write about that another time).

Must...stay...awake...

2007-06-29T14:53:00.000-04:00

I'm longing for July 14th with all of my heart!
When that sweet, sweet day rolls along, don't ask me fo' nothin! I've got a pressing engagement with my sofa for another session on the

SOFA OF DOOM!

Movies, and sloth a-plenty, baby!

I'm so used to having a little respite from life at the end of the spring semester of YouthWorks, but this year, I've been barreling straight through for a solid two months, and I figure if I stoutly deny the feeling that I'm nearing a burnout, it will work. But you know what? I do love my work, and it's so rewarding (if not yet financially).

And there are many exciting things ahead for me this year, I just know it! Well, some things I'm planning, and some things I know will come to me. But more on that later. I've got to get back to work (yeah, I know, like you couldn't see that one coming!)

And I'm off!

2007-06-20T16:36:00.000-04:00

Once again, Niagara Falls-bound. This will most likely be the last gig we get out there, the lounge is closing down. Pity. I liked the hotel we stay at. Anyway, I'm going home now to do some laundry and pack and clean my apartment. It is TIME.

And Dad's coming into town tonight! H'ray!

Still Alive...

2007-06-19T09:51:00.000-04:00

Hello Dahlings!

I just wanted to take a moment to celebrate the fact that the Fringe Festival is over! Yee-haw! In fact, I'm going to celebrate by going home in an hour to take a well-deserved nap. Perhaps in time the plethora of blisters that have cropped up on my feet over the past week may actually begin to heal. And I don't think I can even look at another beer for at least four months. Seriously. I've got a little beach ball on my belly from the beers and schizophrenic eating over the past ten days. I'm craving fruits and veggies, although at the same time, I'm feeling the effects of refined carbohydrate addiction.

I also just got onto Facebook. Probably a huge mistake, considering I still have so much work to do, but oh well.

Opening Night!

2007-06-08T06:35:00.000-04:00

Hm, maybe I should write back when I'm not so tired that I'm numb.
(I can only imagine the expression on my face as I type this at the gym-yes, I'm being bad and writing to you while I should be working; not that that is anything new-I do know that my eyes are stinging. Not sexaayyyy.)

But intellectually, I'm excited and scared and optimistic, and utterly convinced that show will be a big success. I'm also really looking forward to the chance to get more than four hours of sleep a night and sleeping in my own bed. That would be sweet. So in the meantime, check out the show, tell all your friends!

Let me tell you

2007-06-07T23:33:00.000-04:00

I have a brand new respect for Stage Managers. That is a tough job.

Just...Wow.

2007-06-01T00:02:00.001-04:00

First of all, I didn't even realize that I have now passed the 200 post mark. H'ray for me!

Second and most importantly, last night I went to Place des Arts and saw Maya Angelou. Oh. My. Goodness. I feel as though I've had a defining moment in my life, just from being in the same room with her and hearing her speak. I mean, she came on stage, and the first thing she did when she opened her mouth was to sing. Honest to goodness, I felt on the verge of tears the whole time. I always remembered her as this tall, statuesque amazon-type woman, but now she's so tiny! Granted, she's in her seventies now, but still...I wasn't prepared for that.

She is wonderful: funny, warm, down-to-earth, authentic, irreverent, so wise and articulate. I really felt like I was just sitting in her living room listening to her speak. She only spoke for about an hour, but I could have gone on listening to her for a lot longer. I am so inspired by her life and her heart. You just have to love this woman.

And her voice....smooth like butterscotch. Warm and rich and spicy like hot cocoa with chili pepper. A real whiskey voice. I am the luckiest woman EVER.

Who knew?

2007-05-29T15:24:00.000-04:00

Retail therapy is awesome! But particularly when you're in good company. The last three days of my vacation were spent with Mom and her friends Anne and Kayleigh in Syracuse. Pure jokes. We shopped for hours every day, ate food, relaxed in the hotel hot tub and swimming pool, and laughed non-stop. Yes sir! Good clean fun. And I saw my mom tipsy for the first time. One Smirnoff, and that was all she wrote, baby. She was adorable, giggling and being utterly hilarious. I am truly a grownup now if I get to see that. Heh heh.

I'd write more, but I'm back in the thick of work. I got back on Sunday, and went straight to the office. I haven't been home since. I hope to sleep in my bed on Thursday, but I'm not holding my breath. Thank goodness for a week off. Except now, Quincy, my right-hand man and best bud is completely knackered. It was a big load for him to carry for an entire week. At least I'm refreshed and in better shape to pick up the slack.

Last night, we presented a two-minute clip of the show at the Fringe For All Press junket. It went well, I think we were well received. We went up early enough that people were still alert and feisty and interested. Big cheers, big oohs, big laughs. The actors were really encouraged, I think. I was so nervous, my heart was beating a mil a minute, and I was just so proud of them. I ended up staying till the end of the Fringe for All, which basically amounted to seeing previews of 40-odd shows. It went on a long, long, looong time. And the evening got more and more irritating the longer it went. Anyway.

There's more I'd like to tell you, but I've got to get back to work...
Kisses, y'all.

The flavour of the month...

2007-05-23T23:30:00.000-04:00

Is Caramel-Coloured Amazon Woman!

Hurray! For once, The hottest women in America look just like me! Why am I not capitalizing on this? Big love to Tyra, too! (Wit 'yo crazy self...) With cable television comes the reality TV shows that show me nothing but curvaceous, statuesque cocoa goddesses swingin' it! Man, it is so huge when you think about it. And yes they are big girls, but I can see how beautiful they are, the way they are, and I'm not the only one (it's easier to see because it's not myself I'm looking at in the mirror). If you're not a pretty blond blue-eyed baby doll, you can appreciate what it means to see images of beauty that resemble you out there.

It is a little bit of work to stay skinny as I had been at the 40-pound weight loss point. (Back to 30, sometimes 25) And my 16% body fat was impressive to boast about, but the hormonal imbalance was not so cool. So now I'm trying to recalibrate my body, which is never easy (especially at Mom's house because there are just so many goodies lying around!) but will be worth it. Balance. Oy, always a struggle for balance. My life is always full of extremes. I want something else for my life. This year. I don't know how this will change, I just know that it will.

I finally picked up Brendan Brazier's Thrive Diet book and I'm looking forward to getting back on track with the grocery shopping and whatnot, to just try to feed myself properly. I'll have to figure out how to get most of the cooking done early on in the week, and actually start sleeping at home again so I can prepare food before leaving my house rather than grabbing stuff on the go.

Anyway, I have a golden opportunity to get some sleep. Why aren't I taking it?

Just wanted to say...

2007-05-23T23:24:00.001-04:00

Thanks for the positive vibes, Baybees! I got my luggage back the very next day. Everyone involved was very courteous, helpful and specific. Gotta love it when positivity, gratitude, and love vibes come though.

But I must say, change is a process. I still get cranky and cynical and whatnot. But as long as I keep moving forward, it's all good.

How about you? How are you these days?Granted, it's highly unlikely that I'll be able to spend any time with you at all if it's not work related, at least for another month, but still. If it's an emergency, I'll gladly lose some sleep to come and be with you. Let me know, okay? You have my number.

Vacation!

2007-05-21T21:21:00.000-04:00

Yes Babies,

I was surely only four days away from a meltdown of Mariah Carey-sized proportions.

But then I hopped on a bus to Perth to meet Mom and some of her friends at their gorgeous cottage 3o feet up on a cliff overlooking a beautiful lake. Ah. And now I'm in the spare room at Mom's chillin' and about ready to curl up in bed with a Maeve Binchy book and just drift off into sleep again. Once again, Mom is always a cure for whatever ails me.

Work's been good and very productive (the show is going to be spectacular, I've tried my hand at choreography for the first time and it's really working out well) but nevertheless stressful at the same time. This past week I'm sure I lost a year off my life. However, all is well, nothing was broken that couldn't be fixed, and so here I am, enjoying a lovely getaway with Mom. We're going to eat beautiful healthy foods, go the gym, I'll do her nails and brush her hair, and we'll just ol' talk every day. Also, I'm going to get some colour on this body of mine. Hoo boy!

Man, my mom has become such a friend. I can tell her things I never thought I would, you know? I really feel that as much as I'm her daughter and that she'll always want to take care of me, spoil me (yeeeaaagghhh! h'ray!) and protect me, that she also trusts and respects me as a woman. I'm a lucky girl. I have so much love in my life (amazing family, terrific friends and wonderful colleagues), I have health and strength and beauty. I am a wealthy woman. I am so grateful, right now. I can't stop smiling. And the things in my life that are not yet as I would wish them, are really not so bad at all. When I think about it, I have everything I need, right now, and nothing but good things coming my way, if only I'll have the eyes to see them and recognize them. Even bad things can turn out for good.

I mean, when I consider my divorce, and how much that had hurt me and all that I had lost, I can't help but also think about what I have gained, and what I've been saved from. I believe with all of my heart that the very best incarnation of me is being made manifest in my life. Right now.

So, before I drift off to sleep, I'm going to tell you right now that I love you. I love you for staying with me over these past two years.

Also, if you wouldn't mind sending some positive helpful hopeful vibes that I regain my lost luggage, that would be great too. I know I'll get it back, and very soon, but hey, there is strength in numbers, right?

nighty night...*m'wah!*

The Procrastin8r

2007-05-16T21:37:00.000-04:00

in association with

presents...

THE PROCRASTIN8R
Tomorrow may never come...

Montreal, May 14, 2007

Black Theatre Workshop’s YouthWorks Training Program goes to the edge.

YouthWorks joins forces with members of the Montreal theatre community in the 2007 edition of the Montreal Fringe Festival with The Procrastin8r, by Lateef Martin.

Martin, YouthWorks alum, takes us into a world known to only a few, the world of the “Afropunk”. Seen as a subculture, this ignored segment of the Black community struggles to survive and express itself in a world that would rather see them disappear.

Meet Theo Wailey, an afropunk living in the midst of privileged society. Accused of being “whitewashed”, Theo straddles two worlds - accepted in neither, living a half existence in both - until one day he discovers that he has developed a strange gift. Meanwhile, an unseen element concealed in white begins to secretly "exterminate" the homeless and squeegee-punks, and the girl who has captured Theo’s heart could be next! Will Theo discover the power of his gift in time to save her? Will he use his powers to strike back at those who reject him? Or will he simply use them to buy a new bass guitar and make lots of money? Tune in in June to find out!

The Fringe Festival provides the perfect forum to initiate the next step of the professional development phase for our successful YouthWorks participants. Creating a professional environment and working with other emerging and established artists, YouthWorks participants can move closer to the dream of becoming professional theatre practitioners.

The Procrastin8r is directed by Mike Payette, Artistic Director of Tableau D’Hôte Theatre (I Am Yours and Amigo’s Blue Guitar) as well as Maybe That’s Where She Belongs (Saidye Bronfman). Assistant Director: Tamara Brown who starred in BTW’s hits Blacks Don’t Bowl, Mella Mella and Afrika Solo. The cast also includes YouthWorks alumni Dominique Bourassa-Brownes and Bruno Ly, along with Krystina Bisante, Christopher Hicks, Joanne Sarazen and Carolyn-Fe Trinidad.

For more information about The Procrastin8r, please contact:
Quincy Armorer
Administrative Coordinator
(514) 932-1104 ext. 224
fax: (514) 932-6311
youthworks@blacktheatreworkshop.ca

Venue #3
The Geordie Space
4001 rue Berri

Fri. 8 7:30pm
Sat. 9 2:45pm
Mon. 11 10:15pm
Wed. 13 9:30pm
Fri. 15 4:45pm
Sat. 16 9:30pm
Sun. 17 1:45pm

Reg. price: $9.00
Students/seniors: $7.00

This is why I have no social life to speak of and sleep on the couch at the office. But in spite of it all, I know it's worth it. Please come out and support! The more people come out ot the show, the more we can give our cast and crew (and they deserve it).

And no, I'm not making a penny on this and neither is Quincy. We're waiting for our reward in heaven.

Once again...

2007-05-16T21:28:00.000-04:00

I'm back to sleeping on the BTW couch.

Ridiculous.
And on another random note, I just love carbs. But that's just because I'm so tired that I crave simple sugars. Which means lots of croissants. *ahhh...*I love bread. And cereal. Particularly Kashi GoLEan crunch. Too bad it don't love me back.

Ugh. Bloat. But the carb coma! Pain and pleasure all at once. Argh...If I wasn't so broke and I was ever home and awake for more than two hours in a day I'd make all my tasty raw food vegan recipes that I was making back in March and April. Convenience food becomes shakes and green juices. But I'd rather eat bread right now. Because sometimes, liquid nutrition, convenient as it is, just isn't very comforting or satisfying.

Blah blah, whine whine whine, complain complain complain. I'd still rather be doing what I'm doing that work some office job. As exhausted as I am, I'm growing so much as an artist and am learning new skill sets all the time. This job gives me amazing learning opportunities. If only I didn't live below the poverty line.

Swamped, and yet...

2007-05-09T21:49:00.000-04:00

I still got to talk about some real stuff with y'all. I hope you don't find this self-indulgent, that's not the spirit of it. You can just skip this one and wait for the next installment. This is here in case you notice a shift/evolution in what goes up on this blog, and so that if such a shift occurs, you know where it comes from. I think that I've evolved a lot over the past year or so, but I haven't always been conscious or aware of the changes.

(As for the daily grind: I'm working my little heart out and learning so much! Yes, I work retarded hours, but it's only for a little while. Soon I will be with Momma, who always cures whatever ails me, just by being there.)

AnyHoo, the ManifesTwo. This is the last entry in my old journal, that filled up the day before my birthday:

As I wrap up this journal, this chapter of my life, I think of where I've been and what I've learned up until now. Some things that have changed:

Environmental consciousness. The state of the Earth, to diminish in stages the harm that i do to this planet and its inhabitants by the lifestyle I lead and how I invest my consumer dollars has been evolving. I don't want to support companies and products that endorse or tolerate cruelty to and the exploitation of women, children, animals, and the local family or small farmer. Industry that poisons the planet will get less and less of my hard-earned money, that's for sure.

Health. Absolutely, I'm concerned about my personal aesthetic and weight loss. But optimal helath, living according to the design of the Creator is beginning to take up more space in my consciousness. I want to look and feel good, look and feel young. I want to prevent disease, particularly cancer, since I don't plan to/envision having children in the future. I want to avoid the diabetes and heart conditions that are in my family. I want to stay beautiful, inside and out. To be healthy, natural, and sane.
I want to be physically, the strongest woman I know. (The other types of strength require a lot of suffering to develop, which is daunting, and I confess to being not as enthusiastic about that, but bring it on! I will continue to survive and to overcome.)

Spirit. I want to take care of my spirit, to live life thoughtfully and mindfully. To live out my faith not driven by performance, or human obligation. I want to be a forgiving and humble woman, to learn how to surrender and to life with a childlike trust in God. I want to be a confident, self-aware woman who knows her place in the world without needing to push down others or aside, to inhabit my space without taking away from someone else's space. I want to give back to the world, to be a good and faithful servant to God, to humanity, a woman who puts the gifts that I've received to work for the glory of the God I love and for the good of the world.
I want my life to set a good example, to empower others and to inspire positivity.
I want to become more accepting of the good things that life has to offer with a spirit of thankfulness, of gratitude, of welcome, and of openess, rather than with guilt or a distorted sense of entitlement.

Discipline. I want to live honestly, with integrity, responsibility and maturity. To be disciplined and moderate with myself so that I can in turn be generous with others.I want to be responsible with the money I am given/earn, to be worthy of the trust of the One who gave it to me.

Relationships. I want to grow to forgive the people who have hurt me when my marriage fell apart. I want to learn to forgive myself. To accept the forgiveness of God and of others.
I want to be ready for a loving and healthy romantic relationship and to accept it with open arms when it arrives.
I want to be courageous, to see the positive in people rather than the negative, to see what is praiseworthy rather than to be critical. I want to be shrewd and careful, to be wise in my dealings with people. To know how and when to protect myself and others when it is my place and in my power to do so.
I want to show more love and attention and devotion to my family.
Did I mention patience? I want to be a patient woman with people in my life.

Career/Calling. I want to do the kind of work that allows me to live a balanced life. If the work I do doesn not help others, or inspire or bring some good to others, I'm just not interested. However, I don't want my work to be my life. It has only recently occurred to me that it's not because there is something fundamentally wrong with me that there are no romantic prospects on the horizon. It's because I'm a bloody workaholic, and I don't have a social life right now. Once I get out there, I will meet good people. I can't be afraid of getting out there, and I've been hiding behind my work to that end for awhile now. And I'm not going to anymore. A comfortable a refuge as work is and has been, I think I'm more ready to date now than I've been in a long, long time. This one ties in with relationships, but still.

And one for all areas of my life: No more settling! Expect and work for and accept the very best.

I just want to constantly set and surpass my personal, living, emotional, nutritional and training goals. Over it all to be a loving and spiritual woman. I just keep thinking of that book the Secret. I've got to read it. Believe to acheive. Positivity begets positivity. How awesome this year will be as I begin to incorporate those principles into my life. The development of a loving, blanced and sane person is such an involved undertaking and the aspects of it are so far-reaching. Whoa. But how exciting too.

Go give somebody some love. (be sure to include yourself as well!)
Laters!

P.S. And I don't care what anyone says: I DIG Justin Timberlake. Yes, he's the modern-day Elvis, which philosophically repulses me, but shoot. It's kind of like croissants. They taste so good, even though there isn't much nutritional value to be had in them.

The Manifesto

2007-05-03T21:59:00.000-04:00

(This is actually directly from my personal journal. Normally, I would never share this stuff, but well, I trust you.)

So, here's a moment to reflect on last year and on where I'm going. I realize that so much of my present desire to be clean and well and healthy comes from having been spiritually, and emotionally ssick throughout and directly following the disintegration of my marriage, and all of the fallout that resulted from it. It's time to move forward! I'm ready and eager to do so. And to be strictly fair, the process began last September when I moved into my own place and stepped out of the protective cocoon of living with friends or family.

For the first time in a long while, I feel hopeful, beautiful, positive. (It helps when my hair and makeup is done though, I can't lie.)

The way I look at food is starting to change, and so is my approach to weight loss. I don't want to be rigid, I just want to think in terms of favouring that which makes me feel healthy and good 95% of the time, and not stress about the other 5% when silly junk food breezes through. Because Wine Gums and chocolate and food with gluten and/or refined flour is just so darned tasty and a fun innovation/treat.

Man, at 32 years old, I'm in the best shape of my life! And as shallow as it may be, I do feel more confident. That's why good-looking people get all the play: they throw out confident, positive vibes, and that's what attracts. And on the other side, there is also the chance that one becomes more intimidating. As it is, I know that I'm intelligent, funny, independent and talented. Now, I'm finally beginnign to live up to my beauty potential as well!

It was a fun birthday, working out with my colleagues, going out to dinner and then singing karaoke in the Village. I kind of felt uncomfortable (not because of the lesbians hitting on me, although someone needs to tell certain girls that being "liberated" from traditional gender roles doesn't mean the first thing you should do is to act like a jerky guy on the make, because that's JERKY, but that's another rant for another day) because of how people react to my looks and to my body. Sure, some dudes are gross, but that's a given. It's the way I feel with girls (and even my friends), I feel guilty, like maybe I shouldn't be as fabulous as I can be. But dammit, I've worked hard and continue to work hard for my very best health and appearance. Why not enjoy it? I'm not obnoxious and I don't put people down to feel good about myself. Making myself small to make others feel big does not serve the world. I guess I can't feel responsible for how others
may perceive me and how that may make them feel about themselves.

Anyway, I had a strange dream last night. X was in it (probably my brain/subconscious telling me I have some unfinished business on some level with him) and it may be because of a passing thought I had earlier that morning that if X could see me now, he'd be kicking himself. Of course, my finances are total crap, so he's well shot of me and can go on with the security of knowing that I'm some horrible, immature, irresponsible person. Whateva. I can and will change, on my own terms and for my own sake, to be a righteous and responsible woman for God, and not ever, NEVER to prove anything to my ex-husband.

(I also dreamt of an old homeless man vomiting forever! Well, it was a long time. I just couldn't watch, I ran away, I didn't want to see his suffering. What does that say about me?)

Anyway, in my dream, X was fit and looked healthy. On the one hand, I thought he looked good, more handsome than I'd ever seen him, but on the other hand I was a bit disappointed because we were both doing better and I wanted to be the one who is better off without him. It probably hurt that he is surely better off without me too. Because one wants to be good for people, you know?

I don't want to be bitter and petty, and maybe I am about it, if only at first. But the more I think about it, the happier I am at the prospect of his doing well. Of course I want him to suffer for all of the pain he caused me, but then again, you know what? He already has. He might still be, on one level or another. Who am I to say how much is enough for justice to be served, for him to be sufficiently punished? I mean, when it comes to it, who am I to say he should be punished at all?

Bitterness and lack of forgiveness are killers. Woo, so much suffering and illness are stirred in me, by the simple fact of my not being able to let things go. It only takes a moment for my mind to run down the path of the memory of someone, anyone who has wronged me, and then for me to dwell and brood upon it, trying to find answers, replies, retaliation, a way to rectify things, to restore justice, to win arguments in my mind. And it's consuming. It begets more brooding and it very rarely helps me to process and to heal and to move on. Only very occasionally will it help, and when it does, it's only in those times that I imagine myself as I truly am in those situations and I seek to find ways in which to clarify, articulate and ultimately understand my thoughts and feelings better. Yeah, only in the context of self-discovery does it ever help.

Shoot, for $9.95 and the cost of a pencil, I've got some therapy right here. I should thank Alan for this. He did get the ball rolling. I think he'd like to know that he did me such good. (Shoot, I keep meaning to call him.)

More to come...

Positivity

2007-05-03T21:30:00.000-04:00

If you're one of the types who gets touchy about any mention of the Bible or Christianity, this post is just another chronicle about how I'm livin'. I'm writing because I got inspired and wanted to share it with you.

Lately, I've been trying to marshall my thoughts towards whatever is positive, loving and thankful. To look at what I have rather than what I don't. To expect good things in life rather than failure. And you know what? I didn't realize how many negative, complaining, defeatist, and angry thoughts run through my head in a day. It takes real discipline to shift your paradigm, to change the way you look at yourself and the world you're in. But I don't want it to be an onerous, unpleasant task. I want it to become a joyful experience. I had spent two days last month (on my birthday) writing out this extensive manifesto for the upcoming year, about all the things I want to acheive, the kind of woman I want to be, and what I want to give to the world. And that week was a wonderful and positive week for me. Coincidence? I think not.

A couple of weeks back, the girls at church did a Bible study about taking captive every thought. Granted the context of the discussion was about resisting temptation, but the principle has come to resonate strongly through many areas of my life. I love when the Bible does that. The passage I was meant to be memorizing was:

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

(Since we're being honest here, I didn't memorize it, but it was often on my mind.) And then this week, one of the members at the gym where I work gave me a copy of The Secret as a gift to thank me for designing a program for him and for just generally being an encouragement to him. It's funny how when you're ready for it, life has a way of bringing you..forward.

The Secret is an interesting thesis. I can certainly see how some of the principles mentioned in the book have manifested themselves in my life in the past, and can definitely attest to the positive or negative results that they have yielded. Although I'm deeply wary and skeptical about self-help/prosperity theory-type stuff, I will say that the Law of Attraction, quantum theory and biblical/faith aspects of the book are making me think.

Anyway, even though I really should be working, I'd like to take the time out to share some of the things that have been kicking around in my head these days, in hopes that it will encourage you, but also as a way of just putting it out there for God, the Universe, and my loving friends to hold me accountable. Or to be able to rejoice in every victory with me. (see the next post.)

Wow...it's just occurred to me, my 200th post is coming up, and we've been together for awhile now. Thanks for sticking around.

Black Theatre Workshop May Madness!

2007-04-26T21:05:00.000-04:00

Behold. The reason I'm so stupidly busy.
(Click on the posters for full size and to see the details better...)

Come on out next weekend at 1 pm and support youth who are not only socially minded, but are into the arts and just deeply awesome people. Of course they drive me batty occasionally, because that's what children do, and yet I can't help but love them.

And I'm going to be judging at the Poetry Slam Competition, which is a darn sight better than participating in it as a performer. In fact, one of my students will be competing, and let me tell you, the child is a prodigy of spoken word. But you'd have to check out MYstory or the Poetry Jam to realize that it's not just me being biased.

So that's what's up. That's why I'm neglecting you for now and you never see me anymore. However, do not despair! I intend to surface sometime in July. No, seriously. *Sigh* But we'll talk about that another time.

(How else do you expect a newly single woman with healthy appetites to stay out of trouble?)

So much to tell you...

2007-04-21T10:19:00.000-04:00

but so little time. In all conscience I truly can't even take out a more than a few minutes to saywhat's up, Beautiful people! I'm at work indoors on a beautiful day again, but at least at Black Theatre Workshop it's not a basement and the sunshine and fresh air comes in the windows. This morning I feel serene and calm and happy.

Two weeks until the end of year presentation opens, and then right after that, we're deep into rehearsals again in preparation for the Fringe show (it's entirely possible that I never mentioned that our YouthWorks Intermediate level group play got into the Montreal Fringe Festival this summer. We're very proud of them. But there's a lot of work to be done, and the end is nowhere in sight.)

Anyway, I'm still taking a week off in May, no matter what. I'm going to spend it my mom and I can't wait.

By the way: I've lost 41 pounds to date!

RED ALERT!!!!!

2007-04-11T12:02:00.000-04:00

Who has my copy of the Half-Blood Prince? I lent it to someone and I really want it back. The new book is coming out in a couple of months and I'm due for a series review. Please, PLEASE give it back to me. I'm jonesing. Hard.

Oh, and eventually I will be sharing with you my thoughts on having turned 32 a couple of days ago, I've written all about it in my personal journal and I'd love to share it with you, it's just that I'm ridiculously busy preparing the YouthWorks end-of-year presentation followed by the touring of said production to this summer's Fringe Festival.

So, no real time to wax philospohical about my life for a few weeks. I've been neglecting my mom and my dad and it peeves (no, I'll be real--PISSES me off) to no end. I love to work, but I need a life. I'm taking my vacation in May, I don't care. I haven't stopped working 50-65 hour weeks since September. Re-doggone-diculous.

But some good news: I can tell you that as if this morning, I've lost 38 ponds since last November, and I've gotten my fat percentage down from 32% to 18%. And now I look a little (a lot) more like that picture of Alicia Marie I posted a few months back. Six pack and all. Go, me!

So you'll have to endure some shallow flakiness and brief posts in the interim. (Yes, I know one of you who visited this site in the past said that about my blog when I first started writing it, post separation and in the thick of my depression. And yes, it's a major factor in why I never return your calls or hang out with you anymore. In case you're wondering and you still deign to visit the blog.)

Yeah, yeah, that was a petty and snarky remark. But hey, I am a jerk at times, never said I wasn't. I may also be (read: am most definitely) pre-menstrual. So don't judge me, or I'll rip your arm off and beat you to death with it.
Er, I mean sorry, bear with me, I'll be more myself soon, it's just that the pressure is getting to me today.

2007-04-07T15:48:00.000-04:00

It seems that anyone who's anyone is talking about the new Alanis Morissette parody of my humps.
All I can say is I like her even more now. Love it!

And so let me offer my own special discovery out there as well, for some salty goodness:

RICHARD CHEESE!

I do enjoy his website, too.
Let me tell you, there is absolutely nothing better to listen to on long drives late at night than this guy here. I can tell you his cds kept me and the band on the road and out of the roadside ditches on many long drives to and from Atlantic City.

You will love his Cover of Snoop Dogg's Gin and Juice. I guarantee. (I tried a little sneaky trick to hide the link in this post. Maybe you'll find it! Maybe it's not that slick of a way to hide it at all, and you'll figure it out in seconds...well, you can just enjoy the Dickness that much sooner.)

Fun facts...

2007-04-05T11:17:00.000-04:00

Apparently, if you eat enough Maynard's Wine gums before bed, you wake up in the morning with a greenish-black tongue.

Apparently.

It's not like I've tested the theory to find out if it's true or not.
(I might have made the discovery by accident, but it's not the same thing. You'd be shocked and appalled to find out how many Wine Gum units qualifies as "enough." And maybe a little grossed out that any one person can ingest quite that many in one sitting. And yes, I know Wine Gums aren't vegan.)

Those were the days

2007-04-03T12:37:00.000-04:00

It's incredible to me that there was a time I spent entire days on my sofa watching DVDs and eating takeout.

I miss my friends. I miss my sofa.
And now I'm going back to work.
I have much to tell! (Nothing new per se, just what's new with me.)

Yummy, yummy, yummy...

2007-03-22T12:10:00.000-04:00

I've got sushi in my tummy!

After going to what was sadly, not the best production of Romeo and Juliet I've ever seen in my life at the Centaur with Bill last Saturday, I've been jonesing for sushi ever since. We went out for japanese food before the show and it was LOVERLY. T'was a tofu and tempura extravaganza! Thanks Bill, it was a lovely freedom celebration!

So I've decided to start making my own maki. I've had the bamboo mat and whatnot for ages, so I finally decided to get up the courage to try to make some. And you know what? It's fairly easy to do maki rolls. I'm getting better at it each time. There is a lovely california roll recipe in this book I got awhile back called Raw Foods Made Easy. Deelish!

And on Sunday, I made the Walnut-Raisin cake with Lemon Glaze at Eileen's, and it was tasty! All of her recipes that I've tried so far are pretty darn awesome, I must say. If you're interested in learning more about raw foods, check out this link. Or this.

Although, it must be said, labels don't make you healthy. This is not my new religion or anything, I just like being able to eat lots of tasty, beautiful food that makes me feel healthy, satisfied and not bloaty, sluggish or farty. And as I've said to some of you, this is just what is working for me right now. It may not always be the right choice for me, and I don't want to be rigid about stuff. If I feel like eating cooked foods, I will. If I feel like eating dairy or wheat/gluten products, I'll do it (fully cognizant of its ill-effects on my system), and if one day I want to eat animal products again, then that's what I'll do.

You are what you eat, you know? And I find that I need to remind myself of where food comes from, be it plant-based or animal based. Although in the past, I've said that ignorance is bliss, it isn't really, is it? And it certainly doesn't exempt me from the responsibility I have to be a more humane person. Ignorance of the laws of the land doesn't make me exempt from having to obey them. And I don't think it's any different with spiritual or natural laws either. How can I explain what I mean?....

Okay, I know how to drive a car, although I don't have a license. (To be strictly honest, I haven't gotten behind the wheel of a car since my learner's permit expired when I was 17.) Could you imagine if I decided to start driving again, but refused to learn the rules of the road because I don't want to be limited in the way I want to drive, or because I don't want to know if I'm doing something wrong or dangerous? It's just ludicrous. And that's how I was about meat. I've always known that slaughterhouses are cruel, but I didn't want to think about it, because I like fried chicken and steak and burgers. I've known that factory farms mass-produce chemical, and hormone and antibiotic-ridden meat which have a cumulative ill-effect on my health but I don't want to think about it, because eating animal products gave me so much pleasure and I didn't want to stop doing that. I knew that factory farms are guilty of the worst environmental damage to the planet, but it seemed such an overwhelming problem before which I felt powerless and my own consumer dollars so insignificant that I preferred to go on doing what I was doing.

Bottom line, I didn't want to feel guilty about eating meat and animal products, because I wanted to eat them. But I guess if I can be made to feel guilty at all in the first place about eating them, then perhaps it's not something I should be doing.

And for my Bible-reading friends, take a look at the parable of the Talents. And chew on this: if the master got mad at his servant who basically returned to him what he was given, no more, no less, how do you think God will react when considering what you've done with all that you've been given (your body, the earth, talents, relationships, etc.)? What will you have to show for it all? Will you have developed what you've been given to make it grow, to make it better, to make it special? Will you have done nothing but kept these things in trust? Or will your talents be depleted? I know the parable isn't about the earth and the environment specifically, but you can apply the principle of using what you've been given to make it grow, to make it flourish, and thus to give glory and respect and to show appreciation to the one who gave it to you in the first place. Shoot, at this rate, we'd have to catch our tails just to return it in the condition we first received it.

Anyhow, I know that I'd like to try my hand at being more conscientious about how I live in the world. The toughest part is other people. People piss me off. People are so difficult to love sometimes. Particularly random passers-by. But I've already had that particular rant, so I'll spare you a reprise.

Ciao 4 now!

Really busy, but I had to take the time to share this...

2007-03-15T12:35:00.000-04:00

I just got a letter from one of the students who saw Mella Mella when we were on tour.

(Incidentally, it was a girl from one of the two best stops on the tour: one is Batshaw out in Prevost, and the other is the Alexander von Humboldt School. I always love that school. They served us freshly brewed cappucino. How civilized. Batshaw feeds us awesome West Indian food. But it's not about the stuff the give us, it's just that the students are sweet and affectionate and have great hearts, and the staff don't treat us like twelve-year-old delinquents. Anyway.)

Her letter, it's on lined paper written with multicoloured pens, glitter and stickers. She then glued the lined paper onto a blue and yellow construction paper frame. I wish I could colour-scan it, you have to see this because it's the nicest pick-me-up ever. I was feeling cranky, and this just cheered me right up:

Dear Tamara,

I find you act very well. It was cool when you changed from this one character to the Nanga. The play was fantastic! I loved it! I find at the end when we got to ask questions, you were funny. I would also like to lake part in the Black Theater Workshop. (She had written when I'm older, but cut and pasted a strip of white paper to cover that up.)
Hope we see you next year with a great play like this one.

P.S. You'r COOL!!! (She made a google-eyed happy face with the two OO's in cool.)

Gloria, 5th grade.

There it is: A little German girl getting into African folklore and feminism. I love theatre. I am so doing the right thing with my life.

M'wah!

2007-03-06T07:34:00.000-05:00

Just 'cause I loves ya.

BYAAAH!

2007-03-02T09:23:00.000-05:00

(I love Dave CHappelle. I wish we were buddies.)

The School Tour is finally over! So, I finally made it through, only a little worse for the wear. My knees and ankles are totally shot, but that's not surprising, considering that the entire 55 minutes of the show, I was in a squat.And once again, I haven't got much to show for it financially. But on the other hand, I ate really well, I've got a newly expanded DVD and book collection, and I have a new blender and a juicer. So healthy quick eating is only the push of a button away!I'm so glad that show is over. I enjoyed my colleagues and spending time with them, although the show itself wasn't always as consistently satisfying on an artistic level as it could have been. It's funny, although the work of the actor is always the same regardless of the medium, ther is no denying that there is a muscularity, an athleticism to theatre that you don't find in film or television. And I'll just leave it at that.

BYAAAH!
I'm in the midst of a detoxifying, cleansing diet, and I'm starting to feel a lot better. The past month, eating on the road posed some interesting challenges for me as a vegan. I ate a lot of bread and potatoes. So some internal spring cleaning is in order. I've already droppped almost all of the water weight and congestion that had accumulated throughout the month. And darlings, ther was a lot of it. As I've said in the past, if I was a superhero, my ability would be to expand and shrink like a sponge. I lost 14 of the 20 pounds I put on over the past month. (I know, I know, it's shocking and gross, and I'm sure you think I'm exaggerating or doing something gross and bulimic. But I'm not. Actually, it's a very interesting process, if a little long to explain. But anything you read about nutritional detoxification will give you an idea of what I'm talking about. Anyway, email me if you want details or source materials. It's an interesting subject that I've been researching for the past six years.

BYAAAH!
Guess who got 100% on her certification exam to become a personal trainer?

BYAAAH!

I'm in Quebec City

2007-02-23T08:57:00.000-05:00

And attempting to type with a keyboard that quite frankly baffles me. I've been forced to use the characters table just to get English letters and the punctuation you find on an English keyboard (the y and z characters are reversed, for example). For all I know this may look like Sanskrit when I'm done. If so, then oopsie, never mind, I'll fix it in Montreal.

We did Mella Mella at a cegep and it was so awesome. I was proud of us. We then went out for dinner and drinks and I must have fallen on my head and forgotten who I was, because I actually consented to sing onstage with the performer that night. Normally, I'm a little more mercenary than that. If I'm going to expose myself to potential ridicule, I like to be sure I'll get paid for it. But it may have been the tequila shots. I'm just saying. (In case youre interested, I sang I will Survive, Proud Mary and You are the Sunshine of My Life.)

No, all in all, it was a fun time to bond with the cast, these super people with whom I've spent the past seven weeks, and I'm only realizing right now, that in two days, I will not see again for who knows how long. Huh. Theatre is a funny, ephemeral thing. It has a very brief and fleeting life span, except in the memory. Not like film. But that's part of it's charm as well, don't you think?

Anyway, Im off to go get some breakfast before the show.
Soon I will be back in the land of the living‼ Call me‼

For all you lovers out there...

2007-02-14T07:40:00.000-05:00

Spend! Spend! Spend!

Don't you think?

2007-02-14T07:37:00.000-05:00

This one is in honour of my student, because life will dump on you, and that's guaranteed.
Furthermore, sometimes it really is someone else's fault.
And well, if you can't laugh, you've gotta cry, so might as well laugh, right?

This weekend...

2007-02-14T07:31:00.000-05:00

I found out that one of my students had been brutally attacked ("mugged" according to his family) and is currently in the hospital. I had just finished speaking to his mother, and she and the family are all still pretty traumatized about what happened. It's a "long story" and "complicated".

Basically, last week, he had been found beaten by the police, and rather than attempt to find out what happened, they dumped him in jail for a day or two. Because hey, a young black man who's been beaten up must have been up to no good, right? So his condition was complicated as a result of not getting medical treatment right away.

She says it'll take at least a month before he's more himself again. And then she started to cry. So he's in much worse shape than I even imagined. Although he and I have never had "the conversation" about it, I suspect that he was targeted for violence for a very specific and personal reason: because of his sexual orientation: this whole situation smells strongly of a hate crime.

This is just one more reson why I think that people suck.

Oh, urgh...

2007-02-07T17:14:00.000-05:00

Everyone in the cast has caught a nasty stomach bug, and we've been the walking wounded for days. But you know they say the show must go on, never let them see you sweat, yadda yadda.
Since the weekend, each of us has seriously contemplated calling in sick because we all feel so bad.

I gotta tell you, I discovered today that there is nothing worse than trying to keep your rollicking bowels under control while in a full squat or performing African Dance in front of adoloscents. Nothing. No, don't even try to top this, because there's NOTHING worse.

In a moment of feverish desperation, I wondered if I could find anything like a cork or a plug. I'm talking desperation, here. I have smiled through my tears before, but not quite like this. We got dropped off at BTW after the show, and I actually had to stop here in the office for the worst of the suffering to pass before I even attempt public transportation. Yeah, it's nasty.

Cleopatra Jones, Baby!

2007-02-03T10:54:00.000-05:00

I'm toying with a new layout, and whatnot. You may have observed that myFoxy Brown profile picture has been replaced with Tamara Dobson who played Cleopatra Jones, from whence came my name. Mom thought she was so pretty and she kicked butt, and she liked the name, so the rest, as they say, is history.

Yep.

Jason says: It explains a lot.

FA-CHAA!!!

2007-02-02T20:24:00.000-05:00

I think he's on to something...

Should I be reconsidering about vegetarianism?

2007-02-02T20:14:00.001-05:00

Just an aside...

2007-02-02T20:08:00.000-05:00

Holy cow. Daniel Radcliffe. Equus publicity photos. Wasn't he twelve years old like, a week ago? I'm simultaneously turned on and grossed out. Oops. My brain just s'plode.

(This post took five minutes to compose because I repeatedly made typing errors because my brain stutter-stopped.)

Dun, Dun, DUNNNN!

2007-02-02T19:37:00.000-05:00

When the moon is in the seventh house and Mommy and Fabian buy you a tv and you begin the first leg of a touring production of a play that requires you to play upwards of five roles (not all of them human) with singing and African dance and physical work that basically requires that you be in a squat for an hour at a time (either walking about with your booty mere inches from the ground or else to try to shave off a foot of your height) and you're premenstrual and inhaling all the carbs you can find (oh tasty tasty waffles!) and so anxiety ridden that you sleep 3 hours a night then you are ripe for a week of...

THE RETURN OF
THE SOFA OF DOOM!!!

Yes, darlings. Mom and Fabian came to town last weekend and stayed overnight which was so awesome! (It was her birthday, and yet they bought me a TV. How big of a spoiled brat am I? Or irresponsible starving artist, whatever.) Basically, I'd come home from the show with a DVD, a bag of cookies (or a box of waffles!) and other such sugary delights and pass out on my super-duper sofa in front of my beeyoutiful new TV in my brand new comfy pajamas (also courtesy of my Mom-Long Live my Mom!) in under thirty minutes, only to wake up twelve to fourteen hours later in order to just make it for my next call. Working out at the gym did not happen much. So I am now heavier than Miss Tyra. I guess that's what I get for gloating.

But I'm getting back on track this week! (Mainly because I have no choice.) However, I'm probably still going to neglect you. As long as I'm being honest, here. Unless of course you are willing to join in on the sofa sessions of sloth.

On another note: is it just me, or are there a whole lot more crazy people on the metros these days? And why do they all come up to me?

Git it Girl!

2007-01-27T09:58:00.000-05:00

Go on, Tyra with your 161 pound fine self! You SHOULD feel sexy, because you are. You're rich and powerful and you are your own woman. People are retarded to give you flack about having put on a little extra weight. I've always thought she was lovely and down-to-earth, and I dig that she is unapologetic about her body, which is think is quite remarkable, considering the industry she's been part of.

(So now it would be really shallow and wrong to feel smug about the fact that I now weigh two pounds less than Tyra Banks, Supermodel, isn't it?)
(Anyways, 15 of those pounds gained are probably just her breasts, and I'd rather not talk about how my own account for very little of my total body weight. Whoa. A second ago I was feeling superior and I think now I'll go and cry just a little in the corner.)

Guess what I got in the mail today?

2007-01-24T20:31:00.000-05:00

Papers, Baby. That's right, those papers.

And although there is 5% of me that mourns what could have and should have been, 95% of me rejoices in having closure, and FREEDOM, Baby, YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

I will have to find some way to celebrate, I think. Some kind of event in a couple of weeks perhaps.
I know for sure, I'm having Maynard's Wine Gums tonight (I am so addicted to that stuff like it's crack cocaine) and perhaps just one other goodie while I work on my lines. Because I sucked rocks today in rehearsal. I have absolutely no excuse for not being more secure with my lines at this late stage.

Anyways, I'm off!

Just for one weekend...

2007-01-23T19:28:00.000-05:00

I'd like to actually sleep in my own bed. No no, not because I've been up to any type of tomfoolery, that's not where I'm heading.

(Truth be told, I have an awful premonition that tells me that sort of thing will never ever happen again for yours truly. No shopper wants to buy damaged or used goods when they can get something new. But nothing is written in stone, never say never, someday I'll be in another relationship, whatever blah blah blah.)

Okay, now that my little sleep-deprivation-induced pity party is over, what I mean is, in my bed instead of on a couch. Two weekends ago I had guests over so I let them have my bed and I took the couch. This past weekend, I worked so much and until so late, it was actually smarter to sleep on the couch at Black Theatre Workshop than to go all the way home and come back downtown again to open the gym at quarter to six in the morning.

Ah, to have a long, lazy morning in bed on the weekend. How awesome would that be?

Where it's at

2007-01-15T20:44:00.000-05:00

Veganism, Baby.

I heart plant foods, darlings. A lot. I'm feeling mighty fine; I'm full of energy, in a very good mood, and quite alert. Mind you, I've only got two speeds right now: stop and go. When my body says it's time to sleep, I really need to be no farther than three minutes away from a bed. No, seriously.

And although my weight hasn't yet dropped, my fat percentage has. What I love best about following a vegan diet right now is the fact that I get to eat a lot of food and I'm not getting fatter. There are many caveats that I could add, but it goes without saying that obviously I don't eat a lot of processed or junk foods. But it doesn't bother me, because I'm discovering so much new and delicious food! I'm enjoying food and eating so much right now! I feel that my palate has become even more sensitive, so it's pretty trippy. Actually, in an almost literal sense it is. I remember a period of time in university when I was experimenting with drugs, and how it felt the first time I ate chocolate after smoking ganja. The pleasurable experience I associate with food lately is someone akin to it, minus the paranoia and forgetfulness. If you'd had that 1st chocolate experience on ganja, you fully understand the euphoria I'm talking about.

Also, I love how much my health has improved, and although ethical considerations are not my primary concern, I do feel relieved to know that I'm doing something with the money that I spend to contribute to sustaining the environment and to promoting the ethical treatment of animals. As a Christian, I believe what the Bible says in Genesis about the role that God has given to humanity as stewards of the planet. However, there are examples of good and poor stewardship in the Bible, and I don't think that God wants us to tyrannize the planet, you know? Anyway.

The downsides to this new way of eating are:

1) It's kind of expensive. The cost of natural and organic and whole foods are a lot higher than processed pseudo-healthy foods available at the supermarket. There aren't a whole lot of foods that are clean and chemical-free out there. I've got to get informed about co-ops and local organic farms otherwise once this school tour is over and I get poorer, I'll never be able to afford eating this way.

2) There's a fair bit of preparation involved. There aren't a lot of healthy convenience foods, vegan or otherwise out there. I mean, Eating clean has always involved a fair bit of prep time if I want to have a healthy, balanced, and varied diet. Whether clean eating involves eating animal foods like I did before the New Year or not, food prep and planning occupies not an inconsiderable bit of time out of my very crowded schedule, but also more head space than I've been accustomed to allot to thinking about food. But I suppose it's just because I've grown up one way thinking about food, and what it means to get what I need to eat healthily, and now I have to learn a new way of thinking about nutrition. My friend and colleague Matthew, who's been a vegan for four years, says that once you get the hang of it, you don't have to devote such a lot of time to thinking and planning, that it becomes automatic and more instinctual to eat a healthy, balanced vegan diet. I hope so.

3) A whole foods vegan diet is a bit bulky. Let's put it this way: my insoluble fibre intake has increased dramatically, and it's taking a wee bit of time for my system to adjust, which causes me some embarassment on a social level. And let's just leave it at that. No need to spell it out. We all know what I'm talking about. There's absolutely no need to put too fine a point on the fact that my digestive sytem is working overtime. To talk about how often I fart or go to the bathroom is completely unnecessary, not to mention in poor taste. Right. So no talking about that.

Um, anybody want to see a picture from one of the shows I did last December? I was filling in on a gig for a couple of corporate Christmas parties and as it turns out, some members from the gym where I work were at one of the parties. I confess to having felt a bit embarassed about the fact that anyone I know had seen me shakin' my moneymaker onstage while singing a Pussycat Dolls song, but oh well. Yadda yadda yadda, Show Business, yadda. I found out later that they didn't realize it was me until the next morning. Which makes sense. When you consider the shapeless, gender-obscuring uniforms we wear with the pastiness and my zombie-like expression (as I've been awake since 4 a.m.) I doubt even my mother could recognize me.

My sister is hilarious

2007-01-11T20:00:00.000-05:00

Good and Together's Post-Boxing-Day post is the bomb.

Hours of Operation

2007-01-11T19:34:00.000-05:00

The worst thing was that at first, I didn't see the problem.
Either I need an eye exam or a priority exam.

The latest updates...

2007-01-11T18:58:00.000-05:00

I'm doing pretty awesome for the most part these days, really happy because I'm doing theatre again, feeling really healthy and energetic since I switched back to veganism, and positive about most things in general. I'm struggling with my time management and grieved to be not investing as much time in YouthWorks as I ought to, but it's hard. I'm really creatively and intellectually wiped out at the end of rehearsal. I love doing theatre so much though.

But I've gotta bite the bullet and get it together. Yeah, finances too. Momma's got bills to pay! Now there's money and I've just got to be responsible and stay on top of all that stuff. Try not to spend like a goof and have nothing to show for it like last year. This time, I will clear my Visa and take a significant chunk out of my student loan.

Other updates:

My darling sister Lianne has come through for me with some new demotivators for your consideration. This first one is a pretty seamless blend of my dad's and her sense of humour:

And then of course, there's:

I confess to having been a little slow to get the punchline of the next one. It was sort of an uhhhhAHHHHHHH!HA!HA!HA!HA! moment for me.

Which of course inspired me to new heights of pessimism and smart-assery.
Whaddaya think?

Love and kisses to all y'all!

Some more Brown Family demotivators...

2007-01-03T18:38:00.002-05:00

As provided by Brown Family members or Honorary Brown Family members (Membership Privileges don't entitle you to gifts during the holidays or a share in the family estate, but it will snag you many many sweet invites to our fabulous holiday meals, and leftovers! But I digress.) Accept no imitations! Demand the genuine article!

For your consideration, I give you:

But there's more!

But the fun don't stop here:

And yet another:

And finally, one of the very first lessons I ever learned about life:

(feedback and editing is always welcome.)